Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

. One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Bless me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"..................................................................

[tommy.irene]

A boy was very sad in class. The teacher asked, "Boy what is your problem?" he answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" Teacher had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: What is 3 x 3? Boy : 9, maam! Principal: What is 6 x 6? Boy : 36, maam! And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at teacher and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. " Teacher says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agreed. Teacher asks: What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy : Legs, maam! Teacher : What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? Boy : Pockets! Teacher: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid? Boy : Coconut! Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky? (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy . was taking charge ) Boy : Bubblegum, maam! Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer ) Boy : Shake hands! Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay? Boy : Yep! Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Boy : Tent Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. Boy : Wedding Ring, maam! Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Boy : Nose! Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What is it? Boy : Arrow! Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heat and excitement? Boy : Firetruck! Teacher: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it, u have to use ur hand. Boy : Fork! Teacher: What is it that all men have one. It's longer on some men, than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? Boy : SURNAME! Teacher: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ? Boy : HEART, maam! The principal a sigh of relief and said to the teacher : Principal: Huh! send this Boy to IIT!!! Even I got the last ten questions wrong myself!

[tommy.irene]

Do you know how to catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut! Q: Why did the cowboy ride his horse? A: Because he was too heavy to carry

[tommy.irene]

Kindness costs nothing.......THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.. One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry. He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door. Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water. She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it slowly, and then asked, “How much do I owe you?” “You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.” He said, “Then I thank you from my heart.” As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit. Year’s later that young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease. Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes. Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room. Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once. He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to the case. After a long struggle, the battle was won. Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She began to read the following words: “Paid in full with one glass of milk. Signed, Dr. Howard Kelly.”

[tommy.irene]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its said to be true! John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a bend approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the bend, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and.... wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy.....there's that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!..

[tommy.irene]

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’” Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly. “What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?” “I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

[tommy.irene]

A mother was teaching her 3-year-old the Lord's prayer. For several evenings at bedtime she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer. "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail, Amen."

[tommy.irene]

I met this wonderful girl today, and we had so much in common. We both liked football, beer, pub food, and she even laughed at my offensive jokes. So, I took her back to my place and she sat me down and stripped totally naked. And it was at this point I saw we had something else in common.

[tommy.irene]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group. She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered. Finally, totally exasperated, she said; "If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water." The Englishman immediately piped up; "T-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-ruro", he said. "That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?" The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out; "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow". "That's no better either, Hamish. " "Now, how about you, Paddy? " The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to five and eventually blurted out; " London ". "Brilliant, Paddy! " said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. She takes him into her private office and after 10 minutes of steamy sex, Paddy said; ... ... ... ... ..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry."

[tommy.irene]

Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk... "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." "This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me." "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!" "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." "I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress." "Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." "The coffee machine is broken..." "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..." " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."