Tommys Joke Page

Tommys Joke Page 2015
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommys Joke Page

Last weekend I saw something at The Army Disposal Shop that sparked my interest. I was looking for a little something different for my wife Suzann. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Suzann what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Nigella looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Nigella (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a singlet with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, the cat looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the lounge, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. ยท My bent reading glasses were on the top of the TV. ยท The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. ยท My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. ยท My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. ยท I had no control over the drooling. ยท Apparently I had **bleep**ped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. ยท I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: Itโ€™s a girl. Sheโ€™s my daughter. A: Oh, Iโ€™m sorry, sir. I didnโ€™t know that you were her father. B: Iโ€™m not. Iโ€™m her MOTHER.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy the bus driver was driving a bus full of old aged pensioners for a tour when he was tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands Tommy another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.

"We just love sucking the chocolate off them."



It's life Jim, but not as WE know it.
Live long and prosper.

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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 6:30 after work. His wife screams at him while his friend sits and listens in. โ€œMy hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I am still in my pajamas and I canโ€™t be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?โ€ Calmly the husband replies, โ€œBecause heโ€™s thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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My new girlfriend's car got a flat tyre as we were on our way to see my parents, so I called them up and said, '' Mum, I'm going to be late, my girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh dear" she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Got my water bill today - ยฃ260 for six months Then I saw an advert for Oxfam stating they can supply a whole village with water for ยฃ5 a month. Think I'll be changing my supplier.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an **bleep**. 11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. 10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. 9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. 8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. 7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you canโ€™t remember). 6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. 5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. 4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. 3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, hereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear. 1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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