Tommys Joke Page

Tommys Joke Page 2015
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1 of 2,046
Latest reply
2,045 REPLIES 2,045

Tommys Joke Page

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night. You gotta love George.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 561 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

After the Revolution : The far right Tea Party extremists get it together and overthrow the government. Then they start rounding up politicians to execute. A firing squad is convened and Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are all marched to a wall to be shot. As the right wing nuts are loading their guns Al Gore thinks, "I've got to cause a diversion so I can get away." He yells "Oh, no. A TORNADO" and points behind the firing squad. As the ultraconservative fruitcakes turn around to see if there is a tornado approaching, Al Gore jumps over the wall behind him and runs away. The firing squad turns their attention back to the two men who are left. Clinton quickly observes how well Gore's ruse has worked and yells "EARTHQUAKE". As the firing squad frantically looks for a place to take cover Clinton jumps over the wall and he too escapes. The firing squad resumes their stance and proceeds to take aim at George W. Bush. Dubya, believing that he, too, can create a diversion, frantically searches his mind for another natural disaster to use. Smiling to himself, he yells "FIRE".
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 562 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

Count your Blessings! A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments while drinking coffee. โ€œMy arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,โ€ said one. โ€œYes, I know,โ€ said another. โ€œMy cataracts are so bad, I canโ€™t even see my coffeeโ€. โ€œI couldnโ€™t even mark an โ€˜Xโ€™ at election time, my hands are so crippled,โ€ volunteered a third. โ€œWhat? Speak up! I canโ€™t hear you!โ€ shouted another. โ€œI canโ€™t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,โ€ said a fifth senior, to which several others nodded weakly in agreement. โ€œMy blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!โ€ exclaimed another. โ€œI forget where I am, and where Iโ€™m going,โ€ said another. I guess thatโ€™s the price we pay for getting oldโ€, winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. โ€œWell, count your blessings,โ€ said a woman, โ€œthank God we can all still driveโ€!
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 563 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

The makers of the Jeremy Kyle show come have up with a plan to treble their daily viewing figures. They are going to move it to an afternoon slot when a lot more of their audience will be out of bed.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 564 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two." Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 565 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

565snipe..........

"Why do you never pay full attention to anything I say?" Asked the wife. "I do," I replied, "I'm just trying to think of something to post on Twitter." "Something to Tweet?" She asked. "That would be great!" I replied, "I'll have a bacon sandwich."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 566 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

A man boards a train, takes his seat and closed his eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone. She started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting". "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss". "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!" Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Honey, hang up the phone and come back to bed." Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 567 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

A young man excitedly tells his mother heโ€™s fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, โ€œJust for fun, Ma, Iโ€™m going to bring over 3 girls and you try and guess which one Iโ€™m going to marry.โ€ The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, โ€œOkay Ma, guess which one Iโ€™m going to marry.โ€ She immediately replies, โ€œThe one on the right.โ€ โ€œThatโ€™s amazing, Ma. Youโ€™re right. How did you know?โ€ The mother replies, โ€œI donโ€™t like her."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 568 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

Man โ€“ Havenโ€™t I seen you someplace before? Woman โ€“ Yes, thatโ€™s why I donโ€™t go there anymore. . Man โ€“ Can I buy you a drink? Woman โ€“ I think Iโ€™d rather have the money! . Man โ€“ Will you go out with me this Saturday? Woman โ€“ Sorry, Iโ€™m having a headache this weekend. . Man โ€“ Is this seat empty? Woman โ€“ Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. . Man โ€“ So what do you do for a living? Woman โ€“ Iโ€™m a female impersonator
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 569 of 2,046
Latest reply

Tommys Joke Page

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS: 1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax." 2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food." 3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish." 4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price." 5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room." 6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow." 7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned." 8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared." 9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers." 10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts." 11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun." 12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair." 13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller." 14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service." 15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners." 16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning." 17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel." 18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes." 19. "My fiancรฉe and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 570 of 2,046
Latest reply