https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/2279#M442 <P class="mce-p">Tommy Cooper Jokes <BR /><BR />Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married <BR />The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. <BR />Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' <BR />'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' <BR />'Is it common?' <BR />'It's not unusual.' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. <BR />'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' <BR />'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' <BR />So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. <BR />Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' <BR />'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' <BR />'No, because he's really heavy' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' <BR />'Well you can't say fairer than that then' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />So I went to the dentist. <BR />He said 'Say Aaah.' <BR />I said 'Why?' <BR />He said 'My dog's died.' <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said <BR />'Who's speaking please?' <BR />And a voice said 'You are.' <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />So I rang up my local swimming baths. <BR />I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' <BR />He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my <BR />house.' <BR />He said 'I'm not stopping you.' <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------ <BR />Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people <BR />in my family, so it must be one of them. <BR />It's either my mum or my dad. <BR />Or my older brother Colin. <BR />Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. <BR />But I think it's Colin. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he <BR />said 'You've been promoted.' <BR />And I swerved. <BR />And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' <BR />And I swerved again. <BR />He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' <BR />And I went into a tree. <BR />And a policeman came up and said <BR />'What happened to you?' <BR />And I said 'I careered off the road.' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? <BR />The one I was in went back and forwards. <BR />I thought 'This is unusual'. <BR />And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give <BR />me a lift?' <BR /><BR />I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other <BR />'Does this taste funny to you?' <BR /><BR />----------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and <BR />the other was eating fireworks. <BR />They charged one and let the other one off. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. <BR />They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' <BR />So that was nice. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />A man walked into the doctors, <BR />The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' <BR />The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />A man walked into the doctors, <BR />he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' <BR />The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. <BR />He wasn't very happy. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I <BR />couldn't find any. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />I bought some HP sauce the other day. <BR />It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them <BR />would have seen it. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Phone answering machine message - <BR />'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he <BR />couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. <BR />He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. <BR />A strong currant pulled him in. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. <BR />He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' <BR />The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. <BR />They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you <BR />can't have your kayak and heat it. <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with <BR />hundreds and thousands. <BR />Police say that he topped himself. <BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' <BR />The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!' <BR /><BR />------------------------------------------------------------------- <BR />Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small <BR />two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. <BR />Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and <BR />expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night</P> Wed, 04 Jul 2012 06:29:38 GMT tommy.irene 2012-07-04T06:29:38Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1518#M256 Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:38:04 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1518#M256 tommy.irene 2009-04-11T09:38:04Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1524#M257 Welcome and please enjoy your stay Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:38:50 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1524#M257 tattsariffic 2009-04-11T09:38:50Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1528#M258 Are you married? If not are you looking for an eas enty into Oz? Is so, my hand is up! But you would have to talk a lot. Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:40:26 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1528#M258 shhh_its_me 2009-04-11T09:40:26Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1532#M259 Welcome. Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:41:43 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1532#M259 thebraff 2009-04-11T09:41:43Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1536#M260 Hello there!!<BR /> <BR /> <BR /> Beware of the Gurriers <span class="lia-unicode-emoji" title=":winking_face:">😉</span> Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:42:22 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1536#M260 night.wol 2009-04-11T09:42:22Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1539#M261 welcome to down under <span class="lia-unicode-emoji" title=":winking_face:">😉</span><BR /> begger off shhh, hes mine X-( or are you a she <span class="lia-unicode-emoji" title=":face_with_open_mouth:">😮</span><BR /> :^O Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:43:43 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1539#M261 doll*obsession 2009-04-11T09:43:43Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1542#M262 &gt; Are you married? If not are you looking for an eas enty into Oz? Is so, my hand is up! But you would have to talk a lot.<BR /> Yes im married and im 70years old Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:44:20 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1542#M262 tommy.irene 2009-04-11T09:44:20Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1544#M263 Nuh uh... look woman you are already taken plus I put my hand up first! Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:45:34 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1544#M263 shhh_its_me 2009-04-11T09:45:34Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1547#M264 If you are a good looking woman under 80 Sssshhh and Doll then you ae in with a chance. :^O Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:45:55 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1547#M264 thebraff 2009-04-11T09:45:55Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1550#M265 lol that stopped them real quick lol Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:45:55 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1550#M265 tattsariffic 2009-04-11T09:45:55Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1553#M266 Ahhh bugger.... you got a grandson?? *hopeful looking* (learnt it off patkin) Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:46:41 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1553#M266 shhh_its_me 2009-04-11T09:46:41Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1557#M267 Hi Tommy<BR /> <BR /> it's night time here Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:47:23 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1557#M267 Anonymous 2009-04-11T09:47:23Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1560#M268 :^O The braff and tatts. Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:47:26 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1560#M268 shhh_its_me 2009-04-11T09:47:26Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1564#M269 Have to go back to UK my breakfast is on table ..Happy Easter..see you all later Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:48:50 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1564#M269 tommy.irene 2009-04-11T09:48:50Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1568#M270 &gt; :^O The braff and tatts.<BR /> Why you laughing at me? I just said welcome lol Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:50:41 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1568#M270 tattsariffic 2009-04-11T09:50:41Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1571#M271 &gt; Nuh uh... look woman you are already taken plus I put my hand up first!<BR /> <BR /> <BR /> Darn! pesky husband gets in the way again *sulks* Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:52:13 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1571#M271 doll*obsession 2009-04-11T09:52:13Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1574#M272 LOL!!....I think you all managed to scare the nice Irishman away!!:^O Sat, 11 Apr 2009 09:54:50 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1574#M272 vintage-star 2009-04-11T09:54:50Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1578#M273 lol<BR /> <BR /> Happy Easter Tommy to you too come back soon Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:00:03 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1578#M273 Anonymous 2009-04-11T10:00:03Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1580#M274 HI everyone thanks for answerning my thread.....are you short of men..might send some mates for you Sat, 11 Apr 2009 10:59:07 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1580#M274 tommy.irene 2009-04-11T10:59:07Z https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1584#M275 lol Please do!! Not for doll tho... she is taken plus I had my hand up first!! Sat, 11 Apr 2009 11:06:04 GMT https://community.ebay.com.au/t5/Community-Spirit/Visiting-Irishman-From-UK/m-p/1584#M275 shhh_its_me 2009-04-11T11:06:04Z