topic Re: How would you have handled this in Community Spirit

How would you have handled this

jean2579 — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 02:27:13 GMT

Today I let down both my DIL and Grand daughter . At my craft meeting some one made some thoughtless remarks about Asian people. My DIL is of Asian origin. I did not object or tell that they were way out of line. Quite simply I did nothing when I should have jumped up and down. I feel that I was more concerned about the feelings of those present than what was said. How would you have handled it?

Re: How would you have handled this

twinkles**stars — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 02:30:18 GMT

There was no need need to jump and down 🙂

I would have simply said I disagreed and racial comments did not belong at a craft meet (or anywhere else for that matter)

You didn't let anyone down at all....the person making the comments did

Re: How would you have handled this

kyliecrv — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 02:42:24 GMT

Jean, don't beat yourself up hunni.
It's their problem not yours and you are not responsible for reprimanding others for racial behaviour.

❤️

Re: How would you have handled this

kyliecrv — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 02:43:05 GMT

Doesn't mean you think less if your DIL & grandchild in my opinion. X

Re: How would you have handled this

**meep** — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 02:46:58 GMT

I completely understand that you chose to avoid confrontation. It does not mean that you condone racist attitudes.

Don't feel bad. Put it behind you.

Re: How would you have handled this

crystal**flake — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 03:10:29 GMT

I would have smiled and said, my daughter inlaw is from...................... .

Re: How would you have handled this

kengillard — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 03:13:16 GMT

totally agree with all the above Jean

Re: How would you have handled this

azureline** — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 03:14:13 GMT

I probably would not have been as refined as you but you know there was nothing you could have said that would change their opinions.

🙂

Re: How would you have handled this

polksaladallie — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 04:05:13 GMT

I would say, " beg your pardon? ", and if they repeat it, say again, " beg you pardon? ", and again and again. It will not be too long before the person hesitates and realises what they are saying and either mumbles in embarrassment or apologises for what they have said.

I read that tip some years ago and have done it once myself.

What the others in the room think is irrelevant.

Re: How would you have handled this

annies_fancy_dress — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 04:14:14 GMT

I think you did the right thing by not making a scene.

BUT, I would spend the next week working out a way of praising my DIL and expressing love for my granddaughter during the next class.

I assume the rude person will then feel belated "foot in mouth" syndrome.

Maintaining your dignity is always the best behaviour.

Also, that person may be rude and bigotted, but they weren't attacking your family personally.

Re: How would you have handled this

green.fields — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 04:24:44 GMT

I understand how you feel Jean but you haven't let anyone down. Next time you go take some photo's of your daughter in law and grandie and proudly show them off, something might sink into that persons head.

Re: How would you have handled this

cherry*135 — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 04:30:22 GMT

I think same as others..you didnt let down your DIL and gdaughter. At the most if I was you I might have said similar to what Crystal said...my wonderful DIL is from Asia etc.

Perhaps another time at craft group you could take some photos of your gdaughter snd her parents to proudly show the others there.

People should think before they say stuff like that in public.

Re: How would you have handled this

jean2579 — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 05:17:41 GMT

Thanks for the advice, I really needed it. My DIL is the most fantastic person I know and when she is hurt, I feel hurt too. Thank good ness she will never know of this, although if today is anything to go by, she must have experienced worse than this in the past.

Re: How would you have handled this

*pepe — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 05:18:20 GMT

i think you were right to consider the feelings of those there.

jumping up and down would have made everyone uncomfortable and its not very likely you would alter the opinion of anyone regarding Asian people by creating a scene.

give your grand daughter a cuddle and congratulate yourself on not raising a bigoted son.

Re: How would you have handled this

just_me_karen — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 05:29:57 GMT

I think you need to say something next time you meet. Every time someone allows racist comments to go unchallenged, it validates racism. It doesn't mean you have to make a scene, it could be simply saying you love your daughter in law and telling the group where she's from.

Re: How would you have handled this

happyroo_bunji — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 06:05:51 GMT

Jean was your DIL at the craft group?

IMO pick your battles, sometimes its not worth the grief it would cause yourself. I am in a craft group and quite often I have to bite my tongue when a certain someone comes out with a comment. A few times I have spoken up when they've gone too far, and unfortunately it didn't make one bit of difference.

The most important thing is you love your DIL and you know what that woman said is wrong

Re: How would you have handled this

youcandoityoucandoityoucandoit — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 11:57:40 GMT

It can be confronting when people say thoughtless/ bigotted/ignorant/racist remarks.

I dont enjoy confrontation, but, I think its sometimes important if you do feel confronted to say something.

When Ive been confronted, I say 'How do you mean?' I guess its a version of 'beg your pardon?' and it gives the other person pause for thought, and I remain calm and detached.

Often, they repeat the statement, and I will calmly repeat 'yes, I heard you, but how do you mean?' as they try to explain themselves they hear how thoughtless/ bigotted/ignorant/racist they sound and have trouble standing by their own original statement. Whats interesting is that they try to justify their opinions, essentially to themselves.

The thing Ive found is that often people dont change by confrontation but if they confront themselves, change can be profound.

Re: How would you have handled this

buzzlightyearsgirlfriend — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 12:45:48 GMT

@polksaladallie wrote:
I would say, " beg your pardon? ", and if they repeat it, say again, " beg you pardon? ", and again and again. It will not be too long before the person hesitates and realises what they are saying and either mumbles in embarrassment or apologises for what they have said.

I read that tip some years ago and have done it once myself.

What the others in the room think is irrelevant.

I like that response!

My favourite gentleman caller is not Australian born and, while my family are not racist, there are others in my social circle (I tolerate them but want to shout at them) who are ignorant. I'm going to remember the "beg your pardon" and use it on them. Again and again and again.

Re: How would you have handled this

*mrgrizz* — Thu, 22 Aug 2013 13:55:05 GMT

@buzzlightyearsgirlfriend wrote:
@polksaladallie wrote:
I would say, " beg your pardon? ", and if they repeat it, say again, " beg you pardon? ", and again and again. It will not be too long before the person hesitates and realises what they are saying and either mumbles in embarrassment or apologises for what they have said.

I read that tip some years ago and have done it once myself.

What the others in the room think is irrelevant.
I like that response!

My favourite gentleman caller is not Australian born and, while my family are not racist, there are others in my social circle (I tolerate them but want to shout at them) who are ignorant. I'm going to remember the "beg your pardon" and use it on them. Again and again and again.

omg........i think i know you