topic Re: while its quiet how about some jokes in Community Spirit

while its quiet how about some jokes

joethenuts — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 10:25:11 GMT

I said to a bloke one day if you can get one answere out of 3 right i will give you $20,

ok he said first queation whats got 5 fingers and green he said i dont know the answere is [a glove] 2nd question what has 10 fingers and green he says i dont know the answere is [2 gloves] 3rd question who is the president of the usa he goes i know is it 3 gloves. mmmmmmmm

The local church lost its ding for the bell so the church hired a person to climb up to the bell each day and depending of the day if its a funeral or a marriage and so he would use his face while holding onto the rope to bang the bell ,he has done this for about 10 years his face was a bit mangled ,one day he fell and died whie the ambuance was there ,the priest came to the bell and the ambo asked the priest do you know this man he walkked up turned him around looked at his face and said i am not sure [but his face rings a bell]

One night me and patty were at the pub ,we had spent all our money and was wondering how to get home so we started to walk we went past were we work the bus company ,patty said lets steal a bus to get home so patty broke in and i stayed outside watch after an hour i went in to see what was keeping him so long and there was patty looking around i said patty what are you doinh and he said looking for a number 56 bus ,I said look thers a 76 bus that goes up to high st and then we can walk the rest of the way home....too much to drink.

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

cq_tech — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 14:08:59 GMT

Don't give up your day job.

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

cmcoins2000 — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 15:13:47 GMT

@cq_tech wrote:
Don't give up your day job.

If there is a day job???

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

this-one-time-at-bandcamp — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 16:51:47 GMT

An indian lad was querying his grandfather about how tribal names were attached to various individuals. Old White Buffalo replied, "Usually it is the result of something occurring at the time........Bear Dancing was named because when he was born, a Grizzy came into camp and stepped on the hot coals of the campfire. Rain was born during the worst thunderstorm in our history, and Stinkeye's mother was sprayed by a skunk, which triggered her labor. So, you see, Two Dogs Fornicating, most often it is some notable event that creates the name.......and sometimes, not"......

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

this-one-time-at-bandcamp — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 17:01:11 GMT

Billy was trudging along the high tide line, when he espied an object buried in the sand. Retrieving it, he found it to be an old brass lantern. While wiping the verdigris from the item, a puff of smoke exited the spout, followed by a large green man.

"For releasing me from my unjust imprisonment, I will grant one wish," the genie said, in a middle eastern dialect.

Billy was excited, now was his opportunity........"Genie, I want to be hung like my grandfather," he replied.

"As it is written, so shall it be done," the genie responded in his best Yul Brynner voice, and vanished in another puff of smoke.

Billy went home and waited impatiently for the miracle, going to the bathroom frequently to gaze in the mirror......but nothing happened.

Just then a group of riders, bearing torches and rope trotted up to the house and dismounted. It was at that moment that Billy remembered that his grandfather had been a horse thief.........

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

electric*mayhem*band — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 17:03:27 GMT

'X' Factor, The Voice, Coronation Street, Eastenders, and Emmerdale. Now there's five jokes for you.

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

keyrings — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 23:00:04 GMT

Electric Fence

"We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for

26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel Push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. knew for a Fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and Reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand And the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger Is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down Cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side

Of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower Ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton Rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **bleep** lawnmower Were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot **bleep**, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just **bleep** your pants 3 times.

It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so

close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad

always had those piece of **bleep** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now

Accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At This point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping Run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered In poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die ... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, and

Standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day ... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, Out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as You might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little

session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot

long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of

The number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I

appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I

Can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

keyrings — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 23:04:33 GMT

WARNING , please , all you older guys read this now!

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Bunnings, Mitre 10, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, university-aged girls will come over to your car or ute as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 28th. Also March 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 11th, 12th, 13th and very likely again this weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant. K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for 99c at the two dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 kilo's just running back and forth from Bunnings, to Mitre 10, to K-Mart etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.) Please take this seriously and pass on.

I was going to make some sensible comment about this, but decided to nip down to Bunnings instead

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

this-one-time-at-bandcamp — Sat, 14 Mar 2015 23:43:36 GMT

Just which big block chevy engine was turning 8-grand?

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

opmania — Sun, 15 Mar 2015 11:59:52 GMT

I thought your first post was really funny

until I read the second one you old devil LOL

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

myoclon1cjerk — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 19:54:20 GMT

Q: How many homeopaths does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0.0000000000000000000000000001.

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

colic2bullsgirlore — Thu, 19 Mar 2015 20:05:33 GMT

This is a joke that should be spoken rather than typed as it depends on the kiwis "rising/upward inflection"

....but... let's give it a whirl ...earl

An australian walks into an outback station bunk house to find a kiwi copulating with a sheep and he says to him

"Oi mate in Australia we generally shear sheep"

The kiwi replies

"Bu gger you I'm not sharing it..there's 10 000 thousand of them outside....... you go find your own"

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

opmania — Fri, 20 Mar 2015 05:43:17 GMT

A rich guy driving down the road in a brand new convertible with his beautiful girlfriend

Gets overtaken by a bikie gang and they pull him over

leader of the gang pulls the guy out of the car and draws a circle on the road

Tells the rich guy to stand in the circle "if you come out of that circle your a dead man mate"

He then walks over to the car and takes the guys wallet out of the glove box and puts it in his pocket

The rich guy starts laughing his head off HA HA HA HA HA

So you think that's funny do you OK see how funny this is

Another bikie gets an axe off the back off his bike and begins to chop holes in the rich guys convertible

"not so funny now is it " he said

and the rich guy starts laughing his head off again HA HA HA HA HA HA

Starting to get really peed off as you can imagine the bikie leader goes to the convertible and drags out the rich guys girlfriend

The whole gang rape the girlfriend right in front of the rich guy and when they had finished they turned to the rich guy

He immediately starts laughing his head off HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

"What is it with you mate , we steal your money , wreck your car and rape your girlfriend , what could be funny about that "

And the rich guy said with a big grin on his face "I Jumped out the circle 3 times when no one was looking "

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

joethenuts — Tue, 24 Mar 2015 09:50:38 GMT

3 guys die and just about to enter the pearlly gates just as they enter god says deppends on how faithful you were to your partner all your life is going to effect your ride you have here in heaven .

1st bloke god says you had a few affairs spent a few nights with some of the local girls , you can have a 5 year old ford

2nd bloke god says you were out at least 2 nights of the week with different girls for 30 years ,you can have a 15 year old car

3rd bloke named ted you were a perfect gentleman never looked another girl in the eye, you can have a brand new bmw..

one day all 3 blokes met up but ted was crying the other blokes said whats wrong ted , ted said i just saw my wife,the other 2 guys said wells thats great why are you crying , ted said she was on roller skates.mmmmmmmmm

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

icyfroth — Tue, 24 Mar 2015 09:53:10 GMT

"I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid

more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some

pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows and within two days, all my cows! He even broke

through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I

don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ But they kind of taste like peppermint."

Re: while its quiet how about some jokes

keyrings — Thu, 26 Mar 2015 00:46:33 GMT

Girls night out

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.

After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'