topic Re: Tommys Joke Page in Community Spirit

Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:41:45 GMT

Tommys Joke Page 2015

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:44:32 GMT

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tasfleur — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:46:31 GMT

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOMMY .....

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:47:03 GMT

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the pub.

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:47:42 GMT

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:48:47 GMT

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The old man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, the old man heard a scream. 'I thought I told you to be quiet!', he said. 'I was when the snake bit me,' the young man said. 'And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed!'

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 11:51:48 GMT

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE". BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: " IT WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE".

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 13:42:18 GMT

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ............................................................................................................................................................................... One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Bless me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins".......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 16:23:56 GMT

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from €250 to €500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the €500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the €500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for €500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday.

Re: Tommys Joke Page

iapetus_rocks — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 16:37:47 GMT

Tony Abbott.

I know it's a bad joke and it's not going to get many laughs, but you never said they had to be good jokes.

Re: Tommys Joke Page

aps1080 — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 18:43:58 GMT

Keep them coming Tommy and thanks for posting.

It's nice to see some very non PC jokes again !

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 19:36:20 GMT

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. “Mum “ said the boy, “what are all these women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work” she replies. The taxi driver turns around and says “Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They‘re hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money.” The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mum?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mum, what happens to the babies those women have?” “Most of them become taxi drivers.” she said.

Re: Tommys Joke Page

Anonymous — Fri, 02 Jan 2015 23:45:47 GMT

thank you tommy

keep them coming.

Re: Tommys Joke Page

icyfroth — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 00:01:15 GMT

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Re: Tommys Joke Page

grandmoon — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 00:10:48 GMT

A man rushed into a pub and said to the barman quick give me a whiskey I have just run over a penguin. He down the whiskey and run outside, return a few minutes later and asked the barman how big are penguins. The barman replied about 2 foot tall. The man asked are you sure that they aren' 5 foot tall , the barman said no. The man rushed outside again and came back in and said "Oh Lord I have just run over a nun.

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 07:35:36 GMT

A cop pulls a young guy over: "Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid. "Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop. Yup, but I didn't see you!

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 08:31:08 GMT

Genuine complaints received by councils 1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2) ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3) ... it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6) ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 😎 My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house. 11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 12) ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 17) Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly. 18) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **bleep** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 19) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 20) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 21) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 22) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 23) I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 24) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get Channel BBC2 on the tv...

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 08:45:40 GMT

Words Of Wisdom From Gradpa…. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar. Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present. A foolish husband says to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up. Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health. And he's already used to taking orders!!..

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 10:11:12 GMT

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" ......................................................................................................................................................................................A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No" ....................................................................................................................................A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!........................................................................................... A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

Re: Tommys Joke Page

tommy.irene — Sat, 03 Jan 2015 19:51:44 GMT

little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down. Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!" The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"