Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. "What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John. "Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down. And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

[tommy.irene]

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. "What size?" asks the clerk. "Gee, I don't know." "Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly. Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves. A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?" The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[tommy.irene]

A policeman pulled me over last night. "Is this yours?" he asked. I said, "No, it belongs to the company I work for. I'm just using it out of work hours to help my brother move house." "What's on the back?" he asked. I said, "A fridge freezer, a washing machine and a double mattress." "Can you take the key out of the ignition and step off the moped for me sir."

[tommy.irene]

By the will of Allah !! I decided to go to the local mosque in Bradford for the first time to see what it was all about: I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad - you will walk today." I told him I wasn't paralysed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot. He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra: "By the will of Allah and the prophet Mohammad - you will walk today." Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me. After prayers I stepped outside…. And Bugger me ---- MY CAR WAS GONE !

[tommy.irene]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. ---The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops........ She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands." ''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story'?" ...."Don't Screw with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[tommy.irene]

THANK YOU FOR BOOKING 2 TICKETS AT THE DISCOUNTED PRICE OF £99 Would you like to sit down during your flight? Yes/No You have chosen yes £56 Would you like to sit down on the way back? Yes/No You have chosen yes £72 Would you like your legs to fit in the seating area with you? Yes/No You have chosen yes £82 Will you be wearing clothes on your holiday? Yes/No you have chosen yes and you will therefore need bags to put them in £52 Do you have your own insurance? Yes/No you have chosen yes therefore the compulsory insurance will be discounted by 10% as our gift to you £64 Will you want insurance for your wife? Yes/No You have answered no, but you have to £64 YOU ARE HALF WAY TO BOOKING THE FLIGHT OF YOUR DREAMS! Are you both taking golf clubs Yes/No You have answered yes £82 Will you both require the in flight meals? Yes/No You have answered yes £34 Will you require the use of the onboard toilets Yes/No You have answered yes £34 Will you be doing No 1 or No2s (Due to the data protection act we are not allowed to show the answer but we have noted your requirements and priced accordingly) £196 Would you like to give us a little bit more money under the guise of a green tax which we will pretend it will help the environment? Yes/No You have unsurprisingly answered No. Fair enough YOUR GRAND TOTAL £887 (NEARLY FINISHED!) One final question Will you be paying with a card? Yes/No You have chosen yes £88:70 YOUR FINAL GRAND TOTAL £975:70 TOTAL BILL INCLUDING AIRPORT TAX £1073:70 Moving on to your Hotel will you be requiring beds ???

[tommy.irene]

A blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time, found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. -“Miss Jones,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”

[tommy.irene]

Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. -“The chewing gum worked fine,” she said, “but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”

[tommy.irene]

I told my mate that I'm having problems in the Bedroom. Him, being a Doctor. He prescribed me Viagra. How's that going to help me assemble my new IKEA Wardrobe..??

[tommy.irene]

Late one Sunday afternoon, a blonde from a small town was taking a long walk through a nearby meadow when she was surprised to see a parachutist trapped in the high branches of a tree. -“Hellllllp!” he cried when he spotted her down below. -“What are you doing up there?” she called back. -“I was skydiving,” he answered, “and my parachute didn’t open!” The blonde rolled her eyes. “Well, of course it didn’t. If you’d just asked one of the locals, anybody could’ve told you that *nothing* around here opens on a Sunday!”