Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Three Irishmen were caught up in the French Revolution and were sentenced to be guillotined.As the first man waited for the blade to fall it stuck and he was released according to custom.The same thing happened to the second man and he too was released.As the third man looked up waiting for the blade to fall he shouted,'Hold on ,I think I can see what's making it stick.'

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

When I was a kid,I can remember me mam going to the shops with two shillings in her purse and coming back with a big bag of spuds,two loaves of bread,a pound of cheese, three pints of milk,half a dozen eggs and a packet of tea.You can't do that anymore,Too many security cameras.

[tommy.irene]

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”

She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”

“If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?”

“We use it when we make love,” she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?”

The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

What were you thinking ……

[tommy.irene]

A Day in the Diary of a BMW Driver
"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn. Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph! Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way. Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast! Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver’s licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me! See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Paddy and Mary from Tipperapy were married for many years.

Whenever there was a argument, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Paddy would shout "When I die, I will dig my way up and outa the grave and come back and hunt you for the rest of your life". Neighbours feared him.

When he finally kicked the bucket, he was 98 years old.

After the burial Mary's neighbours were concerned about her safety and asked, "Arn't you afraid he may indeed be able to dig his way outa the grave a haunt you?"
Mary replies "Let him dig, I had him buried upside down..... and I know he won't ask for directions."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]