Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

[tommy.irene]

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.




19 go to the cinema , the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
One replies, "The film said 18 or over."
J

[tommy.irene]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said,

"Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"!

"Sorry, Who?"

"Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

"Sounds like he was something really special."

"There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

"Wow. Sounds like some bloke."

"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

"Well, that's the sad part, you see I never actually met Brian. Unfortunately he died, and I'm married to his ' widow." __________________

[tommy.irene]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very unfair."

Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathize with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditures or laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my members that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.



Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no longer so keen on going to paradise. __________________

[tommy.irene]

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[tommy.irene]

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language. For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter. Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[tommy.irene]

Sign on company bulleting board: “This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friend in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck.”

[tommy.irene]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off
the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on
the 10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid collision

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.

US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED
BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES
NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse.

[tommy.irene]

A pretty blonde was ticketed in economy class for a flight from London to Sydney. A few minutes into the flight, she got out of her seat, found an empty seat in first class, and sat down.

The flight attendant came and said "Miss, I'm sorry, but you are ticketed for economy class, and I'm afraid you'll have have return to your designated seat".

The blonde retorts "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm flying first class to Sydney". "No", the flight attendant replied, "you cannot sit in first class, I'm sorry".

After some arguing, the flight attendant entered the cockpit and said, "Captain, I have blonde woman from economy class who insists on sitting in first.. I can't seem to convince her to go back to her seat, can you help?".

Captain says, "Oh, no problem... my wife is blonde .. I speak blonde.. just a moment".

The captain gets up and whispers in the blonde's ear. "Oh", she says, "I'm very sorry, I didn't know", and returns to her seat in economy class.

Captain returns to the cockpit, followed by the flight attendant. "Wow! What did you say to her?", the flight attendant asks.

"Oh, simple... I just told her first class isn't going to Sydney".

[tommy.irene]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

She had to confide in him her worries about selling the contraceptives.



"Look," he said.

"My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large].

The word condom won’t even be used.

The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to the shop, put out his hand and said "350".


The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of her predicament.


" Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.


She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between his legs. "Yes!" she said " He's got one hanging there!"

The boss said "Go back in and give him £3.50, he's the window cleaner!"