Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

[tommy.irene]

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.
Susan: "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
Agent: "Wait just a minute, Susan... it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
Susan, after a pause: "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[tommy.irene]

   During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity c...

[tommy.irene]

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[tommy.irene]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

[tommy.irene]

hree Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. 

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.


'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy. 

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. 

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner. 

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy. 


'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.



'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy. 

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy. 


'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,' 



But why have you only ordered beer all evening?' 





You're goanna LOVE me for this.... 




The third piggy says - 



'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[tommy.irene]

   A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a
“Living Will”
"Just so you know, I ...

[tommy.irene]

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one- hundred thousand dollars” said the man. “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” “So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” Asked the bartender. “This month – so far – not a cent.”

[tommy.irene]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ...your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies,"Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin .

When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ...

ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.

One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,

"I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh,

"Oh no," he says,

"Bejesus, everyone is fine ! Tis me ... I've quit drinking !"

[tommy.irene]

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.