Visiting Irishman From UK

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day." "Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

They say that sex is the best form of exercise..?? Correct me if Iโ€™m wrong, but I donโ€™t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

A manโ€™s car stalled on a country road. When he got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. โ€œYour trouble is probably in the carburetor,โ€ said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. He told the farmer his story. โ€œWas it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?โ€ asked the farmer. โ€œYes, yes,โ€ the man replied. โ€œOh! I would not listen to Bessie,โ€ said the farmer. โ€œShe does not know anything about cars.โ€
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

Being very religious the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate. After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven". "Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" "You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple". "OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

On in a the wall in a couples home ...."I am the boss of the house...I have my wife's permission to say so".
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Visiting Irishman From UK

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00. Thanks, Billy.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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