An  elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation  ensues: Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,  grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each  of them three times.' Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' Man: 'What sins?' Priest: 'What kind of a  Catholic are you?' Man:  'I'm Jewish.' Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?' Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

An  elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting  senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip  up.'      'That's  not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip  down.'

Son: 'Mum,  when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my  seat to a lady.' Mum: 'Well, you have done the right  thing.' Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on  Daddy's lap.'

A wife and husband were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.

 

As the couple walked through the mall they became separated. The wife became quite upset and a little angry because they had so much to do. She rang him on her mobile to ask him where he was.

 

In a calm voice, the husband said, “Honey, you remember the jewellery store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get if for you one day?”

 

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I remember that jewellery store.”

 

He said, “Well, I’m in the bar right next to it.”

                               Man driving down road.

                               Woman driving up same road.

                               They pass each other.

                               The woman yells out the window, "PIG!"

                               Man yells out window, "B*I*T*C**H!"

                               Man rounds next curve.

                               Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of the road and dies.

                               Thought For the Day:

                                           If men would just listen .

 

Two men were looking for their wives in a large supermarket when they unwittingly bumped into each other. One said to the other, “You look lost.” The other bloke replied that he wasn’t lost but merely looking for his wife who had wandered off. The other bloke said he was also looking for his wife because she had gone to the fruit and veg section but wasn’t there when he looked. They thought it might be a good idea if they helped each other. One bloke said to the other bloke, “What does your wife look like?” The other bloke said, “Most people think she’s a model. She has green eyes and long blond hair and luscious red lips. She has a knockout figure. Her skin is beautiful and soft with that ‘peach’ bloom appearance. She’s wearing a very figure-hugging hot pink mini skirt.” He then asks the other bloke what his wife looks like. The other bloke replies with, “Who cares about my wife. Let’s look for you wife.”

After nearly 50 years of marriage, Ted was lying in bed one evening, when his wife felt Ted begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?";

To which he responded, "I found the remote..."

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

The Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. He went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion,he finally bought a talking centipede with 100 legs. The centipede came with a shoe box as its home.

He took the centipede home and found a great location for the shoe box. The centipede was very happy. The single guy decided to kick off the friendship by taking the centipede to church with him. He asked the centipede "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time."

There was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

The guy decided to ask the centipede one last time. This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?" A little voice came from inside the shoe box, "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"