Amy, I can feel your pain, and understand why you feel the way you do.
Without meaning to sound heartless, your mum has lingered like this for so long which is incredibly painful for those who love her to watch.
If I were in your shoes I would be wishing for a speedy end as well.
Lots of hugs for you. {{{{{{{{{{ Amy }}}}}}}}}}

Amy.....you were criticising your Aunt's for not visiting your Mum.... perhaps they had the same feelings??
I think it is very unfair of you to leave your sister to deal with this on her own.

I realise distance is a problem for you, but have you considered the fact that perhaps your sister needs a break?Or that she might wish she didn't have to go up an visit your Mum and see her like this??

I have been in your sister's position and I ended up resenting my sister for leaving me to deal with everything. For the sake of your sister I think you should reconsider your position.

I am sorry if this offends you but if it were my Mum I would be there as often as I could manage.

puddle- after getting over the anger after reading your post i have thought about it and I do know you are right in some ways.

I won't, however, be compared to my Aunts.

They were in Dubbo for near 6 weeks and went to see her a handful of times. When i do go to Dubbo, i sit with Mum everyday.

Being there "as often as i could manage" does not mean i could go there every month. It's a 16 hour drive to Dubbo or a 2 day train or a flight to Sydney and then another to Dubbo.
None of those are cheap. Plus, i have a job. Plus i have 2 kids in school. Plus i have a hubby with a job.

Excuses?
Not really. They are our life and they are not something we can drop often.

I look at the calendar and try and see when we may be able to go up there again and i just don't know.
The Easter break isnt long enough and i can't take the kids out of school to go.

I remember when my Dad went into hospital then a high dependency home. I refused to see him and the only reason I did was that a bossy matron pushed me in to where he was.

My Mum would never have imagined herself seeing or benefitting from a counsellor. Nevertheless, she saw one when Dad was sick and now believes she could never have coped with out the counselling.

Amy last night I spent ages writting out a post to you, then when I hit post it got lost : ( ...

I mentioned in it that maybe some bereavement counsilling could help make this nightmare a bit easier for you. They help people deal with grief because if its not dealt with properly it can cause long term depression lasting years after your mum passes.

I also expressed my understanding of you not seeing your mum, how hard it is for you to do that. You must feel like your real mum passed away a long time ago now. This is how our family felt when my favourite Aunt suffered 3 strokes and the Dr's were amazed that she survived them. However it changed her body and her personality, its like she died that day. Its hard to go and see them after that, when you expect some progress and it just doesn't happen anymore.

There are special counsellors for this type of grief, and back legendary up by saying it may be of some benefit to you.

What a nightmare situation Daydream, my heart goes out to you & your family.:-x

I think the counselling is an excellent idea, even if it doesn't "solve" anything at least you can have someone to vent to, someone you can tell how you truly feel without fear of being judged. And this may help you to support your sister & father. I think you have got to look to the future & try to ensure the relationships with your father & sister aren't damaged as a result of this ongoing nightmare.

Amy, there is no right or wrong, when it comes to feelings. You do what you have to do. That you are unable to spend less time, for whatever the reasons, with your Mum, doesn't make you a lesser person. My Mum died from an aggressive brain tumour, but who she was, was long gone. I spent as much time with her as I could, but, towards the end, I couldn't do it. My sisters went almost everyday. My Dad died from a rare form of blood cancer. When he was hosptilised, i spent everyday with him, and was with him when he died. One sister visited him once, but couldn't do it again. the other sister was unable to visit him at all. MIL has the same type of cancer, but i am so reluctant to spend time with her. The emotional toll can be too high.

We all do what we can. That we can't do the same as others, or what others think we should do, doesn't mean that our love is any less.

We all grieve in our own way, and grief can start long before a person dies.

My sister did go and see a counsellor once but she didnt feel comfortable and didnt bother going again.
She is the type of person who puts on a happy face in public and keeps it all inside until she gets home or talks to me on the phone.
I think i'm her release and i dont mind that.

I think i will need some counselling once Mum passes but for now, i'll just plod on. I'm ok majority of days now. The phone calls are very hard but i can only do them once a fortnight now.