An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check up.
While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asked him

'So how has life been treating you'

The old man replies
'The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, he turns the light on and when I'm finished, he turns the light off'

When his wife meets with the doctor, the doctor told her what her husband said. She replied.
'Damn it! the old fart's been **bleep** in the icebox again!

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road.

He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run.

So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph!

The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse.

The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard with dozens of three legged chickens.

The man in the car called out to the farmer

"How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied,

"I breed 'em.

Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg.

Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!"

said the driver

"How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know,

I ain't caught one yet!"

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"
Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen!!..

My girlfriend just walked out of the kitchen, looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you need to get a new dish washer."

I said to myself, "That's a strange way to break up with someone!!

Tommy was having pains in his knees so went to the doctor.



After examining him the doctor said "You've got kneeitis, it's caused by too much bending of the knees. I suggest you avoid climbing the stairs because it puts a terrible strain on the knees".



A month later, Tommy went bck to the doctor who examinied him again and told him that he'd recovered.



"Can I climb the stairs now?" Tommy asked.



"Certainly" the doctor replied.



"Phew, thank goodness" Tommy replied "I was getting fed up with climbing the drainpipe every time I needed to go to the bathroom."

A delightful, angelic little boy was waiting for his mom outside the ladies’ room of the gas station.
A man approached him and asked, “Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?”
The little boy cheerily replied, “Sure, mister! Just go down this street two blocks and turn left. It’s on the right. You can’t miss it.”
The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was, and said, “I’m the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday I’ll show you how to get to Heaven!”
The little boy replied with a chuckle, “You’re **bleep**ting me, right? You can’t even find the Post Office."