I have read this thread from the beginning, and appreciated every word that has been posted. I too have suffered from depression and anxiety, conquered it and fell back into it when I lost my eldest son to suicide five years ago.

I agonised over posting here for a while, but here goes part of it.

We had a family Christmas in 2008, when my son came to Victoria from Adelaide to meet his first Grandchild. He was so happy, confident and full of plans for his future.

It was such a wonderful event and everyone was happy. Six weeks later I got a phone call from my youngest son to tell me that his brother had been found dead at home. I was in shock, because I only talked to him a couple of weeks before and had no idea that anything was wrong with him. He had told me about his new job and was joking about things, like he usually did. I could not believe what I heard, and even at his funeral I just could not comprehend that it was my son we had the service for. I just went from a cheerful, happy person into a nobody in a fog. This was the second time I fell into that abyss, and I knew what was happening, but could not stop it. Now I only have my darling husband to thank to have helped me over the worst hurdle, but my beloved son is on my mind every day. I seem to be looking for signs from him everywhere. He left no note for us.

If any of you think his demise was drug related because he is wearing a Harley Davidson shirt, I can assure you it was not. Yes, he had a Harley and belonged to the Adelaide Hogs (Haley Owner Group) They used to do fundraising rides for Children with Cancer and other charity rides. Not a drug gang, just men and women who loved their Harley.

What I later learned was that he was also a member of Beyond Blue because he suffered depression and anxiety for many years, but he would never let on to anyone in the family despite being close to his siblings and me.

Tody I am still asking myself; "Why did he not ring me?" "Why did he not talk to any of his siblings if he felt so down and helpless?" "Why, why, why?"

I know I'll never get an answer to my questions, but it does not ease the pain and I am trying not to burden my family with my down feelings of hopelessness.

When I feel more confident, I will tell you how it all started with my depression and how I conquered it to a point of living a normal life. But - what is normal?

Erica ♥