A man was running late for the office one day, so he was exceeding the speed limit along the freeway. The next thing he knows his wife rings up & says that I've just seen on the TV that there's a maniac going down the wrong side of the freeway. The man replies, It's not just one, it's all of them.

• Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
  forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
  he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
  on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
  in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
  around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
  order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
  He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
  "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
  shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
  sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
  newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
  asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
  "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
  delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
  and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
  the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
  everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
  the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
  Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
  take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
  "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"