Very frustrating. Do what the countessa says, it's all fantastically detailed advice.

I think there are some people who don't take the bidding process all that seriously.

The problem as I see it is if you cancel an auction & cancel it as your choice, then I think you do pay the fees. If you tick it was buyer choice, I think they are supposed to respond to that to verify it. From the sound of it, that isn't what happened. The problem is if they don't respond, you're left in limbo for a while till it times out.

I think I would reply to the bidders & say you understand they don't want the item & to just ignore any messages from ebay about paying, but you have to go through the official notification process in order to get your selling fees back.

I'm not entirely sure these customers understand that if they don't pay, you get charged fees anyway unless you do something. I'm sure they imagine ebay would only charge fees on finalised transactions so it's no hassle for you. But it is. it wastes your time, it knocks out pretty much any chance of the second highest bidder wanting it by the time you're clear to sell it again and it is costing you money unless you go to some effort to reclaim the fees.

I don't see why the bidder shouldn't suffer some consequences.