Opposition leader Bill Shorten has the uncanny ability of speaking almost interminably while saying absolutely nothing. What Shorten says once is often one times too many.
This is how Shorten kicked off an interview with ABC Radio’s Jon Faine on March 13 after Faine posed the simple and obvious question of what Shorten believed in.
“Well the Labor Party believes in lots of things, and it’s a great opportunity this morning to talk about some of them. What I fundamentally believe and I think it was Martin Luther King who said this best, but it’s I think true then and it’s true now: ‘everybody is somebody’. I believe in an Australia where everybody gets the chance to fulfil their potential. Where we’re not a divided society but we’re a united society.”
The rule of thumb in television and radio is people speak at a little slower than three words a second. The PM has been clocked at 140 words a minute, which is close to a drawl, but Shorten hits the almost mathematically perfect figure of 163 words a minute. Thus, in that 26-second reply, he managed to misdirect once (he was asked what he believed in not what the Labor Party believed in), conclude with a meaningless motherhood statement and misappropriate a quotation.
I’ve scanned Martin Luther King’s speeches and he makes no mention of everybody being somebody. The great MLK did say “Everybody can be great” apropos of an individual’s potential to help others. The Baptist preacher, one of the 20th century’s most powerful orators, would never have lapsed into that kind of trite idiocy.
Shorten’s quote was a misappropriation not dissimilar to any offered by any old windbag who wants to sound important by citing significant figures from history while getting it horribly wrong.
Shorten speaks in political patois, a kind of turgid, rambling linguistic filibuster that goes nowhere when in terms of brevity and purpose. A short, punchy sentence would not just suffice, it would be viewed as a blessing by the audience.
Of course Shorten lives in the politically rarefied air of Canberra where this sort of guff is vaguely tolerated. The question is what would happen if we all started speaking like Bill Shorten? Here are some everyday scenarios* that go some way in explaining Shorten’s communication shortcomings.
In the doctor’s surgery:
Doctor: So what seems to be the problem?
You (as Shorten): “The discussion we’re going to have is a bit longer than one-liners and that’s what I think you said in your introduction. Can we get beyond the one-liners? But going to the heart of the matter which you’re saying, you’re really asking two questions there. The first is you’re quite right it isn’t the only issue, absolutely not, and so when it comes to medical science, which is the second part of what you’re asking about, I’ll reveal what’s wrong with me in good time before the next election and we don’t have a date for that yet.”
[Doctor opens the medical cabinet and begins scouring the shelves for powerful sedatives.]
In the workplace:
Co-worker: “The boss has just said she’s not happy with our work.”
You: “I haven’t seen what she’s said, but let me say I support what it is she said. I support what she said. My view is what the boss’s view is. I think it was Michelangelo who once said, ‘Fetch me some turps and a rag, will ya’? I’ve got a face full of Dulux High Gloss here.’”
[Co-worker slumps in chair and bangs head on desk repeatedly.]
Around the dinner table:
Host: “Would you like some peas?”
You: “That is a very important question and I thank you for asking it. You know, wasn’t it Jean Paul Sartre who said, ‘Get me a Chartreuse, mon ami. Frankly, I’m parched.’? Labor has expressed its concern on numerous occasions that the massive expansion of private providers of peas has brought with it unintended consequences where we’re seeing some private providers gaming the pea system. And I think one of the solutions here is to help rebuild and restore confidence in peas and that’s what we see, for what it’s worth, at the state elections both in Queensland and Victoria and now again in NSW, with state Labor governments trying to rebuild and restore confidence in pea consumption, I think that’s one of the ways we can avoid some of the profusion or mushrooming of some of these scandals in terms of some of the private providers.
“There is a role for private providers in pea supply and there are some private provider organisations doing outstanding work, but I think there is mounting community concern that on the one hand we’ve seen the Liberals dismantling and attacking peas, and the on the other hand, we’ve seen the ‘leave it to the market’ attitude of private providers in peas and we’re seeing a long tail of underperformance and indeed in some cases scandalous behaviour.”
Host: “Is that a yes or a no?”
At the barber shop
Hairdresser: “Just a little off the top today, Sir?”
You: “Well, but, let’s talk about the future because that’s — I think Australians are sick of **bleep**-for-tat and sound bites. You want me to be straight upfront with you and I’m happy to be. What I am endeavouring to say and I’ll try and say it more concisely — I appreciate that you want that. It’s about the future. You’ve got to go for growth. If you’ve got growth ...”
[Hairdresser starts weeping uncontrollably.]
At a pie shop:
Do NOT go into a pie shop.
All right, so talking like Bill Shorten is not going to work for you or me. The truth is it’s not working for him either.
Still, if we could somehow harness the power of Shorten’s speech, pull together the carbon dioxide with trace elements of helium and methane, we could power entire cities. Strap him to a turbine with a copy of Das Kapital and let him rip.
Renewable energy? Hard to say. Under the Rudd Labor leadership reforms, Shorten’s good for another year or so at least.
* For the most part, these are Shorten’s own words. I changed them a little bit.
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http://www.theaustralian.com.au/opinion/how-to-talk-in-shorten-speak/story-e6frg6zo-1227279180797
