How much are you doing for elderly parents?

[givemeaspell]

I've posted this before a few years back, obv still an issue for me.  But how much is too much?  I try and dedicate one day a week to take them shopping, chemist, general stuff, and then am in daily contact, and then am asked every other day "are you around today"? I also have stuff of my own to do, but end up taking them on other errands probably at least 3 days a week.  There is public transport very close to their home and they also get half price taxi fares due to ill health. (mainly just old age problems).

Don't get my wrong I love them dearly but I find they become very negative as they age, everything is a problem or hard work.  They don't seem to want to make life easier for themselves, instead complain about how hard things are with not driving, relying on others etc.  It becomes that it gets you down to be around that negativity.  

Any advice appreciated!

[justpolls]

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@givemeaspell wrote:

Any advice appreciated!

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Enjoy them and love them while you have them. You will never regret doing too much for them.. ...and make sure that when they are gone that you have no regrets. I took care of my mom for several years, and my dad as well, while she suffered from a long illness. Up until she passed this past November. It's gets harder and harder as they age, as they can't do as much for themselves. This can make them cranky and irritable because it's not easy having to rely on those that once relied on you. Try to be understanding of where they are coming from in that regard....although don't beat yourself up over feeling angry or a little resentful about your situation.

Anger is a natural emotion. Just do your best not to let it show....and if it does, make sure to let them know it's not really about them and also make sure you let them know often how much they are loved. Don't make the mistake of thinking you have time to tell them these things...because tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. I know it's a cliche, but it's true.

I hope this didn't sound too preachy....but that's my honest advice.

And I'd like to add that I think you're a good son/daughter for being there for your parents. : )

[givemeaspell]

thanks justpolis, it's one of those things isn't it, everyone is living longer but it's not always an easy ride, I just wish sometimes they would take some advice on board to make things a bit easier but it falls on deaf ears, creatures of habits I suppose.

[creative*crisis]

Would it help to get aged services involved they can help with shopping , housework etc. Or is it a case of them refusing these services but expecting you to do them?

[justpolls]

givemeaspell wrote:

thanks justpolis, it's one of those things isn't it, everyone is living longer but it's not always an easy ride, I just wish sometimes they would take some advice on board to make things a bit easier but it falls on deaf ears, creatures of habits I suppose.

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Sorry for running out on you so fast giveme....I had to leave for work, but wanted to respond earlier. So I posted fast and ran out the door.

I totally understand where you are coming from! After my mom passed, my husband and I moved in with my dad....to help care for him, but with the purpose of keeping him company as well. My parents were just coming up on their fifty first wedding anniversary when my mom passed and I was worried he would be lonely. He does a lot of stuff for himself, but he wouldn't bother cooking for himself and he's never been one for doing household chores. So living back in my parents house has been another adjustment all in itself. To top it off, dad is the veritable crusty, old curmudgeon. So you can only imagine.

So I'm still dealing with taking care of an elderly parent....but it's not like it was before. Seeing people you love hurting makes it much worse and actually living here makes it easier in some ways....in regards to the physical aspect of it.

Neither of my parents were/are good at taking advice.....they have ways of doing things that are comfortable for them and have been set in their way of doing them for quite a long awhile. At times, it would frustrate me because I made the mistake of taking it personally. Like they were somehow "discounting me" and not listening to me because I was their daughter and I felt that they didn't take me seriously. But then I realized that some of what was going on was about their staying revelant and not giving up what small control and say they still had over their own lives. As you age....and with real illness, things that you always took for granted suddenly slip away from you and there is a real sense of frustration and disempowerment from that. When you lose control over the large issues, suddenly the small things that you still have control over seem extremely important to manage the way you want them to be managed. Maybe holding on to old habits is a way of maintaing ones identity....and perhaps ones dignity... when it seems everything else in your world is changing. Could be some of what's going on with your own parents?

I know that in my own case, it seemed like the more they lost and the worse their health declined....the more insistent they both became over doing things the way they wanted.

I was lucky to have one of my sisters helping out as well. We would share the responsibilites and had days we would each go over to clean, cook, help with showers, etc. And we had each other to talk to about it also. So that definitely helped.

Creative has a good suggestion....but maybe you have siblings that could help out also?

[creative*crisis]

Posts like Givemeaspells and justpolls are good for people to read.

I'm at the the other side of the fence. My daughter moved back in with me just over a year ago it works for both of us. She gets to save money towards a home of her own in the future and I get some help.

Posts like the above are a cautionary tale for people in my position to read and keep a watch on our own behavior.

[justpolls]

Hi Creative.

Living with my dad now definitely has mutual benefits for both my dad and myself as well. It's kind of cool that we can be there for each other. 

I think a big thing to remember, at least for myself, is that my parents are people first and foremost. I used to get caught up in the trap of just thinking of them as 'my parents'  and not real humans, with real flaws. As my husband explained it to me one day.....when we are little kids, we look at our parents as "Gods" who know all and see all. We rely on them for guidance and knowledge. As we get older, it's really hard to get past that idea and sometimes expect  them to still be perfect and have all the right answers. 

Realizing that we're all just human and trying to get past that parent/child relationship to being friends first and foremost is key to a better relationship. At least, I'm finding that to be the case for myself. It's easier for me to understand where my dad is coming from when I drop my expectations of how he should be "as a parent" and just treat him like I would a a friend.

[sandypas]

I am an only child and when my mum passed away, we moved dad in with us and we had him for 17 years.  We had a double garage under the roofline and converted it into a bed sitting room - the trouble was, he never sat in there.  Most of the time it didn't matter but ocassionally when we had visitors, I used to wish we had some privacy.  On the whole though, he was no problem and our kids grew up loving a respecting him.  I don't regret having him at all.

Throughout our marriage, Frank's 2 sisters died - 1 at 25 from cancer (3 children) and the other killed in a car accident together with his mum (36 - 4 children).  We had the 4 childre and their father/step father for 8 months and the youngest of the other family for 12 months so we have had family members with us for a klot of our marriage.  At one stage we had 1 daughter but there were 8 of us in our home.

I also didn't regret having any of them.

[azureline**]

I lost my parents over 20 years ago, so it's different for me. I sometimes wish they had lived longer so I had the opportunity to care for them.

In my case, I now care for my father in law, however, he has dementia and is in a nursing home, I still visit daily and I take care of his finances and his general care, clothing, bedding etc. He has 2 daughters who don't live close by, a son who lives 4 hours away and never visits. One daughter visits a couple of times a year, the other about once every 6 weeks.

His eldest son visits about 3 times a week.

At one stage the suggestion was made that he lives with us and we care for him 24/7 but it was beyond my capabilities and I thought we would eventually resent him.

I have made my own plans, I intend to choose my own care, Iknow my children will visit etc but I don't want their lives to be about  my care.

The daily tasks can be done by staff members and my family will only recall me nicely 🙂

[jean2579]

This post made me want to cry. I have a son and his family that I love very dearly and although they are almost 700 kms away I would be devasted to think that were thought we were an inconvenience and had outlived our usefulness. I know that is not what you are saying,  but we never tell them when we have medical issues or any problems at all as we do not want to bother them, I sometimes feel that we are walking on eggshells when we are talking to them as we do not want to cause them any concerns, and my gut feeling is that it should not be like that. Maybe we have lived too long . You are inconvenienced by their needs to hold onto some dignity, they are terrified that they will be abandoned. I don,t know if there is a happy medium.