Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Was in hospital with CANCER in the lung,, Doctors waiting to do tests.. Had Doctor come in and tell me that oxygen is not at righting ..and Cancer is spreading around lungs .. Say i may have 2 or 4 weeks to live ..Its one day at a time with me now.. I had a good innings and anyone whos knows me say im always happy.. at hospital in 2017 then 2018 got the all clear.. .. Just waiting to be sent home to die. They said Oxygen is what lungs needs and lungs not strong enouth..they didnt send for me 2019 or 2020 for follow up..thats when tumber formed If i had been scaned they would have found the tumber,, cant wait to get home ..The hospital is doing an after care programe for me in the house.. Am now home ..time to put my jokes on .....Join Tommys Jokes on facebook.

[tommy.irene · Accepted solution]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the pub...

[tommy.irene]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgiveable, the end of our marriage. I'm done.
I'm leaving forever!"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his
mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email"

[tommy.irene]

A young couple are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.
He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."
Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."
She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.
He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.
He shouts in horror, "My God Mary ... have you changed your sex?"
"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm taking a sxxx

instead."

[tommy.irene · Accepted solution]

[cee-dee]

Just to let folks know, Tommy died peacefully in his sleep last Thursday. RIP Tommy.

[not_for_sale2024]

I had to post this and thought Tommy's thread was the right place...

A policeman flags down a driver. After pulling him over, the policeman approached the driver’s door.

“Is there a problem, Officer?”

The policeman says, “Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?”

The driver responds, “I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.”

“You don’t have one?”

The man responds, “I lost it four times for drunk driving.”

The policeman is shocked. “I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t do that.”

The policeman says, “Why not?”

“I stole this car.”

The officer says, “Stole it?”

The man says, “Yes, and I killed the owner.”

At this point the officer is getting irate. “You what?”

“She’s in the trunk if you want to see.”

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, “Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!”

The man steps out of his vehicle. “Is there a problem, sir?”

“One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.”

“Murdered the owner?”

The officer responds, “Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?”

The man opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

The officer says, “Is this your car sir?”

The man says, “Yes” and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. “One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.”

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. “Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner.”

The man replies, “I bet you the lying ba***rd told you I was speeding, too!”

😄