Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene · Accepted solution]

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

[tasfleur]

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOMMY ..... 

[tommy.irene]

I can't believe how strong the winds were last night. I nipped out to get my wife some milk and got blown into the pub.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene · Accepted solution]

Two men went hunting. One had been hunting all his life, the other man was hunting for the first time. The old man told the other to sit down and not make a sound. So he did. But when the first man got 100 yards away, the old man heard a scream. 'I thought I told you to be quiet!', he said. 'I was when the snake bit me,' the young man said. 'And I was when the bear attacked me. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat or take them with us,' I screamed!'

[tommy.irene]

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE". BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY.. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE 'DOODY' YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: " IT WORKS FOR TOMATO SAUCE".

[tommy.irene]

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ............................................................................................................................................................................... One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Bless me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins".......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on." The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers." He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!" The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!" He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!" "And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[tommy.irene]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from €250 to €500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the €500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the €500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for €500, they'd at least iron it!" He never heard the shot. The funeral is on Thursday.

[iapetus_rocks]

Tony Abbott.

I know it's a bad joke and it's not going to get many laughs, but you never said they had to be good jokes.