Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[aps1080]

Keep them coming Tommy and thanks for posting.

It's nice to see some very non PC jokes again !

[tommy.irene]

A woman and her 10 year old son were riding in a taxi in New York. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings. “Mum “ said the boy, “what are all these women doing?” “They’re waiting for their husbands to get off work” she replies. The taxi driver turns around and says “Geez, lady, why don’t you tell him the truth? They‘re hookers, kid! They have sex with men for money.” The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, “Is that true, mum?” His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative. After a few minutes, the kid asks, “Mum, what happens to the babies those women have?” “Most of them become taxi drivers.” she said.

[raptor_rebooted]

  thank you tommy

keep them coming.  

[icyfroth]

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[grandmoon]

A man rushed into a pub and said to the barman quick give me a whiskey I have just run over  a penguin.  He down the whiskey and run outside, return a few minutes later and asked the barman how big are penguins. The barman replied about 2 foot tall. The man asked are you sure that they aren' 5 foot tall , the barman said no. The man rushed outside again and came back in and said "Oh Lord I have just run over a nun.

[tommy.irene]

A cop pulls a young guy over: "Hello officer" said the smart aleck kid. "Young man did you see that stop sign?" asked the cop. Yup, but I didn't see you!

[tommy.irene]

Genuine complaints received by councils 1) My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it. 2) ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore. 3) ... it's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow. 4) I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off. 5) I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage. 6) ... and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence. 7) I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off. 😎 My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand? 9) I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall. 10) Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house. 11) I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen 12) ...50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy. 13) I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers. 14) The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared. 15) Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink. 16) Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces. 17) Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age Pensioner and need it badly. 18) I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his **bleep** wakes me up and its now getting too much for me. 19) The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous. 20) Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it. 21) I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night. 22) Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife. 23) I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction. 24) This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get Channel BBC2 on the tv...

[tommy.irene]

Words Of Wisdom From Gradpa…. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar. Too many couples marry for better or for worse, but not for good. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag. Judging from the specimens they pick for husbands, it's no wonder that brides often blush. On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past -- but never the present. A foolish husband says to his wife: "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work." The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up. Many girls like to marry a military man -- he can cook, sew, make beds, and is in good health. And he's already used to taking orders!!..

[tommy.irene]

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!" ......................................................................................................................................................................................A blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No" ....................................................................................................................................A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!........................................................................................... A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

[tommy.irene]

little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy. They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down. Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left. One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!" The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"