I have have to write this comment somewhere...

[tulip*place]

Its here or on a Funeral Notice that people have commented on how great a man he was....

A GREAT MAN WOULDN’T DISOWN HIS OWN FLESH & BLOOD , THAT WOULD BE A COWARD.

[chameleon54]

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@imastawka wrote:

I've always said that just because they're dead, it doesn't make them a good person.

People don't like to speak ill of the dead.

But if they were right mongrels in life, so they are still, when they're gone.

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Funerals can be tricky things. Its not just about the person who has died. It is a time of mourning for those left behind. This is especially the case where a parent may have treated one or more children in an appaling manner, while doting on others. Funerals are a time for raw emotions and I have seen families torn apart when past differences are allowed to surface at a funeral.

In the interests of respect for the wider family it is often best just to shut up, suck it up and respectfully go through the motions, allowing others to grieve in a way that they need too. There will be plenty of time to discuss how you really feel later.

[imastawka]

Seeing you quoted me, I'll reply to that.

I don't voice my opinions at funerals.

Nor do I argue with the grieving family.

I keep my thoughts to myself.

But it doesn't change how I feel about the deceased.

Mostly if I didn't like them,  I don't go.

I don't want to be subjected to an outpouring of emotion for someone who was IMO not worthy.

But the OP has some raw wounds by the sounds of it and I was hoping to empathise with them, to show them they're not alone in their thinking process.

[domino-710]

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@chameleon54 wrote:

In the interests of respect for the wider family it is often best just to shut up, suck it up and respectfully go through the motions, allowing others to grieve in a way that they need too. There will be plenty of time to discuss how you really feel later.

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I have difficulty with this.

Shut up - suck it up - WITH RESPECT.

And you are going to say what you feel - LATER.

Why the heck - are you even there.

[lyhargr_0]

If you didnt like em when they were alive, ya don't have to like them when they die   ...... If I disliked someone that much, I wouldn't  be attending their funeral

[lyhargr_0]

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@chameleon54 wrote:

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@imastawka wrote:

I've always said that just because they're dead, it doesn't make them a good person.

People don't like to speak ill of the dead.

But if they were right mongrels in life, so they are still, when they're gone.

---

Funerals can be tricky things. Its not just about the person who has died. It is a time of mourning for those left behind. This is especially the case where a parent may have treated one or more children in an appaling manner, while doting on others. Funerals are a time for raw emotions and I have seen families torn apart when past differences are allowed to surface at a funeral.

In the interests of respect for the wider family it is often best just to shut up, suck it up and respectfully go through the motions, allowing others to grieve in a way that they need too. There will be plenty of time to discuss how you really feel later.

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I dont agree with is at all, noone has to "suck it up" at all

[joztamps]

“To the living we owe respect, but to the dead we owe only the truth.”

― Voltaire

[chameleon54]

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@domino-710 wrote:

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@chameleon54 wrote:

In the interests of respect for the wider family it is often best just to shut up, suck it up and respectfully go through the motions, allowing others to grieve in a way that they need too. There will be plenty of time to discuss how you really feel later.

---

I have difficulty with this.

Shut up - suck it up - WITH RESPECT.

And you are going to say what you feel - LATER.

Why the heck - are you even there.

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OK I shall share my personal perspective.

My father was a very smart, intelligent man who was generous with his time and talents in the community and a good husband to his wife. He loved all three of his children very much and was a caring father to them.

Pity about the other two ! 

Yes there where five children in our family. My younger sister and myself did not share all of my fathers personal beliefs and this led to years of extreme emotional and physical abuse at his hands with him ultimately rejecting me as his son.. It took many years for me to come to terms with this and affected my sister even more. Through her teenage years and right into her thirties she suffered terribly going to her personal hell and back. I wont detail exactly how it affected her, except to say she is lucky to still be with us.

In later years she came to terms with her experiences and spent many years running shelters for battered indigenous woman and now works as a senior public servant advising government on indigenous women's issues. Something good has come of it all.

As for me ?  I still have good relationships with my siblings and mother. While they have benefited financially from my fathers actions ( my younger brother took over several million dollars worth of family farms and equipment and sisters also benefited financially ) It was not as a result of their actions or decisions. I don't hold them responsible for my fathers behaviour.

When he passed away a few years ago, it was expected that with his years of community leadership and service, the funeral in his country town would be a major event. I was acutely aware that my fractured relationship with my father could potentially be a distraction to those grieving and embarrassment to my family. Out of respect for other members of my family, I chose to act as a pall bearer for his coffin. Not only did this diffuse any potential side shows, I must admit I felt the irony, knowing my father would have hated the thought of me as one of his pall bearers.............

It would have been easy to stay away, making a very noticable public statement about my fathers " other side "  but the decisions I made where based on respect for the other members of my family, recognising that the life they shared with my father was completely different to the one I experienced.

[tulip*place]

Thank you for sharing chameleon.  Did u shed any tears?

[chameleon54]

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@imastawka wrote:

Seeing you quoted me, I'll reply to that.

I don't voice my opinions at funerals.

Nor do I argue with the grieving family.

I keep my thoughts to myself.

But it doesn't change how I feel about the deceased.

Mostly if I didn't like them,  I don't go.

I don't want to be subjected to an outpouring of emotion for someone who was IMO not worthy.

But the OP has some raw wounds by the sounds of it and I was hoping to empathise with them, to show them they're not alone in their thinking process.

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@ imastawka, My apologies if my post appeared to be aimed at you in particular. While I did quote you, it was more meant as general discussion than anything personal. And yes as you may gather from my later post, the subject is probably still a bit of a sensative issue for me. Hence my advice to stay calm, dont do anything too rash just now and try to work through it all later when things are not quite so emotionally charged.

[lyhargr_0]

Given your siblings and mother would all have know how he had treated both yourself and your sister, thus if you had chosen not to attend his funeral surely they would have understood  your reason/s and respected them. The whole saga, being a pall bearer etc, comes across as totally hypocritical to me but each to their own.