I have have to write this comment somewhere...

[tulip*place]

Its here or on a Funeral Notice that people have commented on how great a man he was....

A GREAT MAN WOULDN’T DISOWN HIS OWN FLESH & BLOOD , THAT WOULD BE A COWARD.

[chameleon54]

---

@tulip*place wrote:

Thank you for sharing chameleon.  Did u shed any tears?

---

I have to admit, I felt a sense of relief that a long chapter of my life was over. A bit like closing a book. I didnt shed any tears at his funeral, but maybe that was because I used them all up in the many years it took to come to terms with my experience. I had already made peace with myself before my father passed away.

We where not on speaking terms in his later years, but again at the insistence of my family who where in great distress, I did go to the hospital to visit my father a few hours before he passed away. I think they where hoping that in his last few hours, there would be some final moment of peace. My father was very weak and not able to speak, but with his last ounce of energy, he did manage to roll over, so that he was facing away from me and closed his eyes, making out he was asleep.

Nice one dad, stubborn and defiant to the end.............  

It took a long time to come to terms with it all and accept, that it was not my fault. ( for years I thought I must have done something to deserve it all )  I was just a kid when it all started and unfotunately the man just had a few problems.

[chameleon54]

---

@lyhargr_0 wrote:

Given your siblings and mother would all have know how he had treated both yourself and your sister, thus if you had chosen not to attend his funeral surely they would have understood  your reason/s and respected them. The whole saga, being a pall bearer etc, comes across as totally hypocritical to me but each to their own.  

---

One thing I did learn from my fathers behaviour is that hanging onto hate and carrying feelings of vengence and revenge is pretty unhealthy. It can eat people up, damaging them, much more than the person who has wronged them.

[lyhargr_0]

---

@chameleon54 wrote:

---

@lyhargr_0 wrote:

Given your siblings and mother would all have know how he had treated both yourself and your sister, thus if you had chosen not to attend his funeral surely they would have understood  your reason/s and respected them. The whole saga, being a pall bearer etc, comes across as totally hypocritical to me but each to their own.  

---

One thing I did learn from my fathers behaviour is that hanging onto hate and carrying feelings of vengence and revenge is pretty unhealthy. It can eat people up, damaging them, much more than the person who has wronged them.

---

Oh I agree     ..... we all deal with things in our own way      Personally I walk away from toxic people and that would include not attending their funeral 'cause they would have already been dead to me

[joz*garage]

who are you people talking about?

[springyzone]

I'm with you Joz in that I am not actually sure who people are talking about so my comments for sure are not about any particular person here.

My opinion is that a lot of people, especially people in officialdom, have to go through the motions or think they do, when sometimes I wish they would just state the bare facts and leave out emotive words when reporting. For example, quite a while ago there was a report about 4 or 5 late teens who stole a car & crashed it in a high speed car chase. Some were killed.

There were the police, on TV, saying 'such a tragic loss'. There were some others in the community saying the same.

I'd prefer not to say how I knew of one of them but the actual case was no, it wasn't a tragic loss at all, one of those killed was a total little out of control thug who brought his violent end on himself and quite frankly, probably saved our courts & jails endless costs as he wasn't getting any better, he was getting worse.

But nope, the media for a day or so had to show friends of the thugs dropping off flowers at the crash site etc.

I think often in these circumstances, media & police are too gutless to state the truth in cases like this. Which would be to leave out the tragic bit or any comments about the loss itself and just comment on the type of accident eg that irresponsible behaviour on the roads puts everyone at risk and in this case, we were seeing what the consequences could be.

So I think when people die, we don't owe them adulation or false praise.

But when it comes to funerals, I agree with chameleon that these are mainly for family & friends. Most people who die have had a mix of good & bad in their lives. So if thuggies mother & friends wanted to praise him up at his funeral, that's fine, that's their time to grieve as a parent will always love their child. But would I go to that funeral? No.

I think the trick is probably to think of the main mourners & if you have regard for them, temper what is said at the funeral.

I saw this done very well at the funeral of a friend's father. Her mother was still alive & at the funeral. My friend spoke & just began by saying that her father had had some problems, he was far from perfect and she did not want to gloss over that at all, but she then just gave an account of his life and a couple of his good points. But the thing is, my friend still loved her father, despite his mental problems & earlier drinking problems.

A funeral probably isn't the best time to cause more stress for family or onlookers.

If you truly hate a person though, probably best to keep away altogether.

We only owe the dead the truth, but that isn't necessarily the same thing for everyone when it comes to memories about a dead person and we don't owe it to anyone to say absolutely every thought that goes through our heads either.

[chameleon54]

---

@tulip*place wrote:

Its here or on a Funeral Notice that people have commented on how great a man he was....

A GREAT MAN WOULDN’T DISOWN HIS OWN FLESH & BLOOD , THAT WOULD BE A COWARD.

---

Tulip, it would appear you have not yet come to terms with your fathers rejection. For me and my younger sister it probably took 15-20 years to work through it all. For some others it can take a life time. The emotional damage caused by domestic violence and emotional abuse leaves deep, lasting scars that can have life long effects and some people never truly recover.

It was due to the fact that I had already found peace before my father passed away that I was able to attend his funeral. The easy thing would have just been to stay away, in the process making a very public statement and embarrising my family, but I was willing to put my own personal views aside for one day out of respect for other family members.

Everyones situation is different. If you dont have those same strong family bonds or you feel it may be too emotionally confronting to attend his funeral it may be better to stay away. Only you can know what is best for your circumstances right now and no-one else has the right to judge or denigrate the very personal decisions you choose to make.

[icyfroth]

---

@joz*garage wrote:

who are you people talking about?

---

A man in Tulip's family or community whom she wishes to remain unnamed.

[icyfroth]

---

@lyhargr_0 wrote:

---

@chameleon54 wrote:

---

@lyhargr_0 wrote:

Given your siblings and mother would all have know how he had treated both yourself and your sister, thus if you had chosen not to attend his funeral surely they would have understood  your reason/s and respected them. The whole saga, being a pall bearer etc, comes across as totally hypocritical to me but each to their own.  

---

One thing I did learn from my fathers behaviour is that hanging onto hate and carrying feelings of vengence and revenge is pretty unhealthy. It can eat people up, damaging them, much more than the person who has wronged them.

---

Oh I agree     ..... we all deal with things in our own way      Personally I walk away from toxic people and that would include not attending their funeral 'cause they would have already been dead to me

---

Yes we deal with things in our own way, and the way we choose to deal with personal and emotional matters should be respected rather than denigrated.

[tulip*place]

Also the woman he has been with for the past 30 years, a mother of 3.   She didn't encourage him  to try to make contact with his

only biological child.   It's just incomprehensible and a disgrace.   It's just very raw.  Need to vent somewhere.