on 28-08-2014 10:29 PM
on 29-08-2014 12:12 AM
"So I bought a chess set. Tried to eat it. Tasted awful. I took it
back to the shop. Handed it to the shopkeeper and said "It's stale
mate" He said "Are you sure?" I said "Check mate".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to
buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind
up.'
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's
comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How
many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one
please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I
said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick.
Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy
pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a
building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved
again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What
happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing –
serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does
surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
-----------
on 28-08-2014 10:35 PM
on 28-08-2014 11:01 PM
excellent THNKU boris!
on 28-08-2014 11:06 PM
Who was the first idiot who thought 'Yeah, I can do this' ?
on 28-08-2014 11:11 PM
not me, makes me dizzy watching it.
on 28-08-2014 11:20 PM
on 28-08-2014 11:31 PM
a fan
on 29-08-2014 12:12 AM
"So I bought a chess set. Tried to eat it. Tasted awful. I took it
back to the shop. Handed it to the shopkeeper and said "It's stale
mate" He said "Are you sure?" I said "Check mate".
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays."
"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs
and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were
chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He
said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give
me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go
for it.'"
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that
was nice."
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with
one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount
of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?',
I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to
buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind
up.'
I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well
I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's
comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...
So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled
onions".
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about
your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How
many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one
please". She said "It's OK, you don't have to be polite" "Alright" I
said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick.
Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.
So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said
"My dog's died.'"
I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy
pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: “That’s not a
building, thats a cloud!” He said: “Down a bit…”
"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin."
"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and
he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a
second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved
again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What
happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
you anything."
So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I’ve got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing –
serves him right.
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: “What does
surrender mean?” I said: “I give up!”
-----------
on 29-08-2014 04:50 AM
it's really hard to laugh and groan at the same time!