Has anyone ever had a falling out with their mum ove a sibling

[hahahavefun]

I love my mum dearly and miss her so so much but I can't talk to her because sadly I dont trust her to keep our converstaions private . Major problems in the family that my younger sister causes but in my mums eyes she can do no wrong and just says oh its in the psat just move on but it isnt in the past things  keeps happening ( sister sending nasty private messages to other family members ) . We are all supposed to ( in my mums eyes ) just get over it .

I cant go visit my mum and a few others wont either because this younger sister lives there and none of us feel comfortable being there and wont go there while she is there .

Before anyone jumps up and down at me my Mum and dad are my world and this has broken me , this has started because I went to see my mum and ask her to stop talking about my daughter and myself behind our backs as its getting back to me , meanwhile my sisters son has stolen a bike and got caught which resulted in going to court and being fined , was dealing pot and lieing to my mum and his own mother . They didnt find out about any of this till months later when my mum found court papers and all this money in my nephews wallet but none of this was ever spoken about to anyone it was all kept hush hush but they would talk about my daughter who did nothing like that , I was just having some problems with her staying out late and not coming home due to living with an alcolholic aunty who on many many occassions was abusing us . So with this my mum got upset with me then told my sister and all hell broke loose . My sister doesnt work and hasnt for yrs and was living with her boyfriend and left her son living with our mum which he hated , meanwhile I work full time raising my own daughter to the best of my ability with no help and Im the bad one .

I have been to my mum and dads palce a couple of times when I knew she ( sister ) wouldnt be there but my mum has made no attemp to even ring me to see how I am and my sister has turned everyone against me , I feel so alone right now and so so hurt as I have done so so much for my younger sister and been there for so many others in my family ..

I dont know what to do anymore i'm broken and just hide away in my unit from basically everyone and just go to work monday to friday ..

Spoiler

My sister is a person who is able to say and do whatever she pleases ittegardless of the consiquences that could come of her actions and then when these consiquences happen its poor bugga me and everyone else is to blame . 

[youcandoityoucandoityoucandoit]

haha, sorry to this is happening and you are so upset about it.

Families can be v difficult at times, they can bring great joy and sometimes great sadness.

You ask if anyones had a falling out...Yes, similar happened to me..In my case it was my older brother.

I think if you could speak to your mum separately, and calmly explain that you love her, but that you are having a hard time with your sister and would prefer not to see her, but that you still want to keep seeing your mum and dad.

Dont get into the details, or any 'she said/did this' discussion..If your mum asks why, just maintain that its best to not talk about it, cause it upsets you too much.Keep this sentence as a 'go to position'..I had to repeat it many, many times..the thing is, it stopped me getting upset..Asked if I was just being too sensitive, I would just say 'I cant talk about this, it upsets me too much' and I minded my own business.

Dont be drawn into any arguments..Your sister is saying/lying about whatever she wants- you are not always there to hear whats she is or your mum is saying..Draw a line, and say to your mum that you dont want to hear about it- and then dont speak to your mum about your sister. This means that nothing of any interest is being said about your sister, and there is nothing for your mum to react to, or report back on..

Unfortunately, you cant control what your sister is saying or doing- but you can change your position.

It will take a lot of emotional toughness, but you will see results fairly quickly too.

You dont have to defend your reactions, or your choices to your sister- she cannot manipulate to such a degree if you become less predictable. I hope that makes sense.

Also, good on you for all the effort you are putting in to your own life and your daughters life. You are having a positive effect on her, working hard and providing a stable home for her, and this is something to own and be proud of yourself. Dont feel you have to hide away..your sister is not your life..

What about meeting your mum and dad with your daugter at your place, or at a cafe and having a coffee, cake and catch up?

[kopenhagen5]

I think you need to start a new relationship with your mum.

Just the two of you.

Think of something she would like and try to make that a regular thing between the two of you.

A cafe with cheesecake or something similar and tell her you think it's about time you spent a little more time with her after all we aren't here forever. And don't talk about family, but tell her you would love to hear some stories when she grew up to get to know her and grandparents better, while there is time.   And whether there were things she wanted to do when she was younger etc.

It's amazing how so many of us don't know our family members simply because we go along with the same every day.

I try to take mum for lunch, always something different at least once a week and my father and I meet regularly for sushi.

And that has built a relationship with both that is special to only us.

(They seperated 20 odd years ago but get on with each other very well)

[hahahavefun]

My dad doesnt drive much anymore or go out and they arent into going out to coffee shops . My daughter messaged her gran a couple of weeks ago and asked how they both were and the reply was were both still alive then my daughter said she would like to go visit them that weekend if they would be home all she got was we are going away , this upset my daughter and I told her not to read to much into it as it was more then likely my sister who was doing the replying as my mum isnt very text savy and my sister has and is being very nasty to my daughter and this is the sister my daughter shaved her hair off for when she had breast cancer ( she has the all clear now ) because my daughter went to court with her cousin over the bike incident and my sister yelled abuse at her saying and just where the F### were you when he did this ..like it was her fault .

There is just so so much more but at the end of the day I have distanced myself from everyone because I cant stand all the backstabbing and fakeness of every single one of them , I dont need or want this in my life as I have enough going on trying to raise a teenage daughter while working fulltime . But I miss my parents more then life itself but I just cant bring myself to go there 😞

[hahahavefun]

I have been to see my dad a couple of times on a Saturday night while my mum was at Bingo , this is the only time I can actually see my father on his own and just let him talk without him being corrected by my mother to which he then stops talking so this way he tells his story the way he wants without any interuptions . I know he enjoys this and we dont talk about any family **bleep** that is going on although I havent been there since October 😞 .

On the other hand my mother is always out every day and puts her Bingo and other outings over visitors coming or if you ask them out its oh I cant I have bingo on or its club day ..

[youcandoityoucandoityoucandoit]

oh haha, theres always so much more, these types of people thrive on drama, least of all due to being insecure or in the wrong themselves, and not wanting to take responsibility for their actions.

If your mum isnt text savvy, then I wouldnt read anything into the texts, but I would be phoning her instead, and speak with her directly. Your sister cant be part of that.

It must be difficult to see your daughter get upset as well. It might not occur to you that your sister is jealous of you and your daughter, but it might sometimes explain the way she behaves.

I think distance might be the answer, even if its only short term- and it might hurt, but it seems you are already hurting.

Its not good that this is affecting you so much, and you feel so helpless- getting a bit of distance might change the dynamic,

unfortunately I dont think you can change your sisters behaviour..

What do your parents like to do?Go to the movies/ dinner/ park/ pub?

Perhaps you could suggest something that they would like, and have some time alone, away from home with them.

 Just saw your post- Id be dropping in to see and speak with your Dad Saturday nights then, and becoming a Bingo fan as well..!

[lyndal1838]

As a grandmother to two teenage granddaughters I must say I would not be happy at receiving a text message from them.

I feel that if they can not take the time to hold a conversation on the phone then I would probably be a bit short with them too.

I think your daughter may get a better reception if she rings and talks to her grandparents.

As an "oldie" I think I move with the times but there is no substitute for good old fashioned manners when it comes to dealing with others.  I have been known to tell my daughters off when they ring me and then put me on hold to answer another call.

[lurker172602]

I'm not arguing with how you feel about it lyndal, but my 86yo mum texts with her grandchildren all the time.  They also talk on the phone but she enjoys a quick text as well.  Especially if it's to set up a coffee date or similar.

Everyone's different 🙂

[worldwarverysoon]

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@hahahavefun wrote:

I love my mum dearly and miss her so so much but I can't talk to her because sadly I dont trust her to keep our converstaions private . Major problems in the family that my younger sister causes but in my mums eyes she can do no wrong and just says oh its in the psat just move on but it isnt in the past things  keeps happening ( sister sending nasty private messages to other family members ) . We are all supposed to ( in my mums eyes ) just get over it .

I cant go visit my mum and a few others wont either because this younger sister lives there and none of us feel comfortable being there and wont go there while she is there .

Before anyone jumps up and down at me my Mum and dad are my world and this has broken me , this has started because I went to see my mum and ask her to stop talking about my daughter and myself behind our backs as its getting back to me , meanwhile my sisters son has stolen a bike and got caught which resulted in going to court and being fined , was dealing pot and lieing to my mum and his own mother . They didnt find out about any of this till months later when my mum found court papers and all this money in my nephews wallet but none of this was ever spoken about to anyone it was all kept hush hush but they would talk about my daughter who did nothing like that , I was just having some problems with her staying out late and not coming home due to living with an alcolholic aunty who on many many occassions was abusing us . So with this my mum got upset with me then told my sister and all hell broke loose . My sister doesnt work and hasnt for yrs and was living with her boyfriend and left her son living with our mum which he hated , meanwhile I work full time raising my own daughter to the best of my ability with no help and Im the bad one .

I have been to my mum and dads palce a couple of times when I knew she ( sister ) wouldnt be there but my mum has made no attemp to even ring me to see how I am and my sister has turned everyone against me , I feel so alone right now and so so hurt as I have done so so much for my younger sister and been there for so many others in my family ..

I dont know what to do anymore i'm broken and just hide away in my unit from basically everyone and just go to work monday to friday ..

Spoiler

My sister is a person who is able to say and do whatever she pleases ittegardless of the consiquences that could come of her actions and then when these consiquences happen its poor bugga me and everyone else is to blame . 

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Why cant you have a conversation with your mother about things that wont get back to others.The weather,the coming world war,politics etc just dont speak about confidential matters.And if she raises things just dont bite.If you want to gossip then expect it to get back to others.

[hahahavefun]

So if I said to you that most of my family are hearing impaired with a mild to moderately to servere hearing loss and can't hear on a phone ??

This is the case in my family so while your family might be able to converse on a phone please dont assume everyone can .

Not having a go at you just pointing out a fact ..

My daughter didnt have credit to ring and went via facebook to message her grandmother and to me at least she made the attempt to contact her ..