Here I am. Where to start?
I have suffered from severe anxiety, as well as disassociation and depression, since I was a small child . My parents only wanted two children. I was the third and was raised being told how they had tried to abort me. It was an angry and violent household and my parents taught me how not to parent. I was incredibly shy and sensitive. I would cry and not realise that I was crying until I was being laughed at . I was afraid of everything. I would sit on my bed and tune out completely. There was safety in nothingness. My parents did not provide a safe environment for their children and because of that all of their children suffered and none of us thrived. That was the beginning.[My parents are both dead. There was genuine love shown to me by both when they were dying and my Dad became my best friend, my rock and my soul mate.]
Diagnosed at 17 with being on the verge of a nervous breakdown and prescribed pills. I took most of them in one go, changed my mind about dying, told my mum what I had done and gave her the rest of the pills. She gave them back to me in the morning. I threw the pills in the bin and went to my Dad [parents were seperated by then] who told me that it was important for me to be happy and healthy.
I ended up in a toxic relationship which produced two beautiful children. I continued to struggle through life, wearing the mask of "normality", played the role that had been given to me. Eventually, something had to give and became suicidal. Depression hit and hit hard but I was reluctant to go on meds. The dr suggested an alternative with the proviso that if I don't improve within two weeks that I was to consider trying meds. I was back two days later and then began the search for the right medication for me.
I have always been open about my mental illness. I discovered that when I said that I had been diagnosed with Major Depression so many people came forward and said that they had depression too, and for the first time they didn't have to it to keep it a secret. That was nearly twenty years ago when the stigma surrounding mental illness was more prevalent than it is now.
I saw a psycho therapist who used hypnosis as part of the treatment. The first time that I went under was the first time that I had ever experienced a sense of peace ; respite from my brain that never shut up. She was brilliant and it is because of her that I am still here.
I had begun to see a psychiatrist to get my meds and diagnosis sorted out. He diagnosed me with Major Depression, Generalised Anxiety Disorder, mild Social Phobia and Disassociation all of which had manifested in childhood. All that from a shrink who despised labels. He almost cost me my life.
After a failed suicide attempt, I ended up in a psych hospital which helped me so much. It was a dark, dark time, probably my darkest. All masks were gone, who I was was gone, I was broken, I was lost. Over the next few weeks, I slowly improved and had myself discharged sooner than I should have because one of my cats needed to be PTS. A couple of months later and I was back in a Psych hospital due to self harm. I couldn't wait to be out of there and I believe that they did me more harm than good.
Knowing that who I had thought I was, was only a cluster of symptoms left me feeling scared and alone. Coming to terms with that was difficult. I started seeing a different shrink and she has made all the difference. Over the space of a few years, her and I had noticed patterns which led to a diagnosis of Bipolar 2, GAD, as well as agoraphobia and social phobia.Finally, after decades of trial and error, the right combination of meds were finally found. The dose may vary from time to time but the meds remain the same. I hate the side effects but the alternative is much worse.
Every moment of every day I must monitor my moods to make sure that they stay within a healthy range. Even though I love the hypomania the flipside is horrid. With Bipolar 2, depression tends to be swift and severe. I've become adept at recognising the signs and am aware of what particular circumstances might lead to. Th econstant self monitoring is exhausting but it is becoming second nature to me. I also know, that no matter what I feel it will pass and it is a matter of staying safe until it does pass.
The anxiety is what causes me the most anguish now. I have learnt what my limitations are and that it is important to work within those and only push when I feel safe enough to do so.
Well that's the condensed version of me. lol.
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"There is nothing more; but I want nothing more." Christopher Hitchins
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