My Mums update thread

[daydream**believer]

This thread is dedicated to my Mother and her recovery.




On Monday the 4th June 2007, while holidaying in the UK with my Father, my Mother was struck by a van while crossing the road.

Mum spent 88 days in various UK hospitals before finally being brought home back to Australia on the 30th August 2007.

She is currently in The John Whittle Nursing Facility with brain damage

I have set up this thread to keep you all updated on her condition and her improvements and hopefully one day, Mum will be able to read it.

[daydream**believer]

jubee- she was on morpheine at the hospital but since going back to the home, my dad says the morpheine wasnt doing anything and she is better off on just panadol.

This week i am going to get all my photo albums out

[lyndal1838]

Heavens, there is a vast difference between morpheine and panadol.  If it was considered that morpheine was needed I am surprised that any doctor would agree to reducing it to panadol.

Do you have any idea what your father is basing his assessment on?  Surely the doctors should be determining the level of pain relief your mother needs.

[daydream**believer]

Heavens, there is a vast difference between morpheine and panadol.  If it was considered that morpheine was needed I am surprised that any doctor would agree to reducing it to panadol.

Do you have any idea what your father is basing his assessment on?  Surely the doctors should be determining the level of pain relief your mother needs.

he is basing it on him being able to "read" mums facial expressions. He says her face shows she is still in pain on morphein and does not when on panadol.

My thoughts are, he was told about 2 years ago that Mums system could not handle strong medication for long as her organs were failing. So i think he doesnt want her on morphein for that reason

[kyliecrv]

he is basing it on him being able to "read" mums facial expressions. He says her face shows she is still in pain on morphein and does not when on panadol.

My thoughts are, he was told about 2 years ago that Mums system could not handle strong medication for long as her organs were failing. So i think he doesnt want her on morphein for that reason

That's not only sad, but selfish too 😞

Its such a terrible situation Amy. ♥ My heart breaks for you and your sister. X

[womblewa]

Writing a eulogy is a good thing Amy. Write your death notice.

It helps you affirm to yourself that one day this will end, and writing a eulogy is about that end coming.

Remember when you believed your mum would recover, and looked forward to that?  But gradually you've accepted that your mum is not going to recover to be the mum you knew and loved again, well, not on earth any way.

Your dad is still a long way from that acceptance, and I know that makes life hard for you as he seems set on prolonging rather than release.  I dont think he means to be the selfish man he comes across as, re your mums medication etc; he simply hasnt accepted that things are never going to be the way they were and its okay to let someone go.

Write your eulogy, write your death notice, and put it away somewhere safe.

Its not morbid, it just helps you believe that this WILL have an ending, a happy one - your mums escape.

[daydream**believer]

womblewa- i dont think you realise just how much your posts are helping me.

At times when i am so mixed up, crying hysterically or full of rage, i read your posts and you calm me down.

I cant even begin to explain how much peace your posts give me.

Thanks so very very much.

I know I am a stranger to you, but you need to know how much you have helped me in the last few weeks.

Are you a councellor of some sort?

[womblewa]

Hi Amy, no I am not a counsellor, but I have had a mother die in pretty similar circumstances to CJ's - not such a long time frame as yours; - but it FELT a very long time.  I am an only child of divorced parents, and sometimes these days when my husband pi***es me off, I remember how supportive he was during those times, dealing with me and our kids - because there wasnt anyone else, and my super-p***ed off feeling quiets down a bit.  Even though you have a sister and dad, I think the distance factor sort of means you are pretty much in the same boat.

What I do identify with really well, is that desperation you get to feel when you want it to end - partly for your mum, but also for yourself and your family.  Often what I read on this thread that you write, I know that I felt exactly like that.  Like you I felt I needed some assurance within myself that this awful time WILL end.

I know you cant do this, because you are not physically there which must be very very hard and, as I wrote once before, I think that makes it easier for others who are, to unfairly dismiss your thoughts and feelings as somehow being of less worth because you are not able to be there; but as well as writing mums eulogy, and her death notice, I also visited the cemetery and worked out where I felt I would like mum to be there.

All of which sounds grizzly and morbidly depressing if you arent in this situation.  But its the opposite - both you and I both know that if you can hold on to the belief that one day this will be over, thats the one that keeps you going, keeps you getting up every morning, and dealing with your family, day after day, until the end.

The night did come, as it will for you (hang on to that belief) that mum died.  The next morning one of her friends rang me to ask how mum was and I remember telling her that mum was the best she had been for ages, because she was free, she died in the night.

I am sure she thought I was weird, but I meant it 100% and I look forward to reading on these boards a message pretty much the same from you one of these days, hopefully sooner rather than later.

I very much appreciate you letting me know that what I write doesnt add to your pain.  That means a lot.  Keep your chin up and visualise situations you need to visualise, write what you need to write, to just keep on keeping on and believing that every day is a day nearer to your mums escape, to your escape.  This will end.  Lynda

[freddie*rooster]

womblewa, I read your post to Amy this morning before I had to leave to go visit with my Mum at the Nursing Home, I didn't have time to respond but I wanted to say how thoughtful, compassionate and understanding your post was. ♥

Amy, i'm so pleased womblewa's post to you has bought you some peace and contentment. ♥

[womblewa]

This experience is a very lonely one I think.  At the time I felt I couldnt tell anyone I wished mum dead.  Thank goodness that even if you cant express that in the real world, on here you can say it and none of us judge you for it.  I felt exactly the same way.

You might notice that I refer back to being able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you did the best you could at the time.

I didnt do so well with that.  As I said, I couldnt express that I wished my mum dead to anyone who asked, and I felt guilt over it.  Everyone reading this thread knows why your mum needs to die and why you need your mum to die.  But there was a time when I couldnt look at myself in the mirror without feeling that guilt because I felt that way in world where everyone seems to want to live forever and want people they love to live forever.

The other thing about looking at yourself in the mirror and knowing you did your best is this.  You may not be able to be there when your mum goes.  Know that you were there and have been there for your mum in all ways, and now when she needs you to let her go, you are doing your best to do that, even if your dad isnt ready.

Again, I didnt do so well with that.  We had no family, just husband and I and two young kids.  The night the hospice rang to say mum was dying, everyone who told us to ask them if we needed help, wasnt able to.  I went alone.

Amy, every time I thought mum had actually died and there was silence, a minute or so would go by, and she drew breath again.  I couldnt stand it, the loneliness, the desperation for her to die.  I knew that if I stayed in the room any longer I would put a pillow over her face.  I didnt want to live with that.

I kissed mum, told her I loved her and that I would meet her again in the next life but that now was the time to let go.

And Amy, I left.  My mother died alone.  By the time I pulled up in our driveway 45 mins later the hospice had rung my husband to tell him that mum had died.  She died as I drove away.

That is why I refer back to you being able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done your very best.  I had trouble with that for a long long time.  My mother died alone Amy.

However, all these years later, I am there, I know I did the best I could AT THE TIME. I wouldve done things differently now, but AT THE TIME that was the best I could do.  I am convinced my mother knows that, and I am also convinced that my mother is watching me write these words to you. A gift from her to me, to you, hopefully.

One day Amy, you will be writing similar words to someone else going through the same thing, as I do to you.  That will be your mothers last gift to you.

[daydream**believer]

You know, i think I am ok with what i have done. I think I have done my best and i think Mum would be proud of me.

I fought a lot of fights and emailed so many people to try and get Mum help. I dont think i could have done any more than what i did

I did struggle when i was pregnant with Hayden. I kept telling myself i had to go back and see her. But, it was my husband and sister who made me realise it was not the best thing for me.

The last time i saw her I did tell her goodbye. I told her i loved her and missed her but i needed to say goodbye.

Now im crying again, but not so much in a sad way.

Ohh and i am going to write her Eulogy. When the kids go back to school next week, i will do it