Need to make a decission and your advice or experiences would help please.

[hahahavefun]

11 yrs ago my eldest son was living away from home ( 18 ) and his cousin used to visit him a lot many months later I got a phone call from my son saying he needed help , it turned out he was living with a drug dealer and 5 guys went looking for this dealer at their home and knocked my son around a little , he was the only one at home at this stage anyway cutting the story a bit short I found out that all my family new about this prior to me getting a call from my son and they had gotten my nephew out of the situation and my brother took him to live with him and gave him a job but not one of them ever told me . I never spoke to any of them for a very long time as I was very hurt and angry that they didnt tell me and give me the chance to help get my son out of it .

Fast forward to today , My youngest nephew brother of the one above is 16 and hanging around a group of boys who smoke pot and drink I have spoken to my nephew about this many months ago telling him he needs to get away from them especially as he now knows what happened to another male cousin of his from drugs . He told me he wasnt smoking it and had been offered but always said no well it has come to my attention from my daughter that he is smoking it and is drinking.

His mother and him live with my parents and have been for about 14 yrs now  but his mother only stays there about 2 nights a week as she stays at her boyfriends place all the other time . She doesnt work and lives the life of doing what she pleases and goes where she wants as our mum is always there for him . As far as my parents , my nephews mum , and lots of other people think my nephew is just the sweetest kid and doesnt do anything wrong .

Now im a single mum of a 15yr old girl and i work monday to friday but I always know who my daughter is hanging out with and I keep an eye on her and if I dont like someone example the guys my nephew is hanging out with I tell her she isnt allowd near them which was the case at the beginning of the yr and she can now see where I was coming from and has nothing to do with them .

So my problem is do i tell my sister about her son as I was so angry when I wasnt told about mine many yrs ago or should I just let her find out for herself ?? I only say this because in my mothers eyes this sister of mine can do no wrong as her son and as she leaves her son so she can stay with her boyfriend and does whatever she wants and in my eyes she should be looking after her OWN son and checking out the kids he is hanging out with .

My daughter is very worried about her cousin but doesnt want me letting on she told me he was doing drugs and drinking otherwise he will never tell her anything again and she said this way she can keep an eye on him and keep up to date on what he is doing .

I dont know what to do with this situation.. Any advice would be greatfully appreciated ..

[hahahavefun]

Oh I forgot to say that this sister of mine has no problems sitting there telling me I shouldnt let my daughter do this or that and goes on about how other parents look after thier kids and saying they should be doing this or that including her eldest son who has kids ..

Many times I have felt like saying to her well at least we are looking after OUR OWN children and not letting our mum do it , but i never have ..lol

[the*scarlet*pimpernel]

I can't see any winners here.

Whatever you do, or don't do, someone will be upset by it. Feelings will be hurt, namecalling, fingerpointing and ensuing nastiness.

(this thread probably will too )

Maybe your son could talk to your nephew.

[polocross58]

You'll get no thanks for speaking out about your nephew.   As you've said, your sister can do no wrong in the eyes of your parents and nor can her son

If you tell your sister, it would mean she might have to start pretending to act like a responsible parent to her son (your young nephew).

If your sister was prepared to be a responsible mother, she wouldn't be acting as she is.  Instead, she'd either work to earn a home for herself and her son --- or --  she'd spend more time at your parents' place so she could keep an eye on what her son is doing, especially at his age

Your parents clearly don't want your sister or her son to leave, which is why they're taking it easy on the pair of them

And as you've said, if you say anything about what your nephew is up to, your own daughter will be ostracised along with  you.  So what will your speaking up achieve, even though you have the best intentions ?   (a) Your parents and your sister will defend your nephew  (b) nothing will change  (c) you and your daughter will be ostracised by your family  (d) your sister will probably keep on the way she's going and (e) your nephew will also continue on his way

Sometimes we just have to let things run their course, even though we'd like to prevent what we believe will be the outcome

Some people have to fall flat on their face before they wake up.  Sometimes they never wake up and take others down with them

Take care of yourself and your daughter as best you can.  Maybe your life would be better if you saw less of your parents, sister and nephew.  You can't save everyone.   Out there are lots of people/groups/associations, etc.  who'd appreciate you and your input at the same time they offered friendship and support to you and your daughter

[hahahavefun]

My young nephew has been told by my son , his own brother and his other aunty about the drug issues yrs ago that resulted in one of his own cousins now having Hep B , another one who spent most of his teenage yrs and a few adult yrs in Jail , and this still hasnt gotten to him but thankfully for me it has scared the living daylights out of my daughter and she wont touch them and this is why she is so worried about her cousin ..

[kopenhagen5]

Excellent advice from Polo.

Is there perhaps a way to put your sister in a place where she finds out herself without it being obviously set up?

I have sometimes spent days or weeks setting something up so that certain people meet each other and the truth comes out without anyone having to tell on anyone.

[cherry*135]

I would probably stay right out of it. As this boys brother knows about it, leave it to him to tell his mother. He will need firm evidence to do so though (where, when and who with, this boy is engaging in these activities).

[the_great_she_elephant]

OP, I don’t think any of us here is really qualified to eilher tell you or advise you what to do in this situation. In the end the decision must be yours, based on your knowledge of the people involved.

It might help you though to ask yourself the following questions;

Would your sister want to be told (not should she be told or would you want to be told if you were in her shoes, but would she – the person you know her to be – want to be told?

Will she be angry with you if you tell her?  (You have already anwered yes to this one)

Will she be angry with you if you don’t tell her, and she finds out you knew.

If a disaster occurs  are you going to feel guilty for not telling her?

If the answer is yes  – how will you deal with that guilt?

What other options do you have?

Weigh up all your answers carefully - maybe even write a list of them. Make sure they are absolutely honest; then make your decision.  I can almost guarantee you that it will be the right one for you. 

[azureline**]

Your daughter is the one with the info, she should tell her gran.