Today is R U OK? Day. Michelle Davis, 47, has been through unimaginable tragedy. She explains how to help someone who is having a hard time
“In 2005 I lost both of my teen boys in a car crash. About eight weeks later I realised I needed help. I had plenty of people around me asking, ‘How are you doing?’ but no one ever really wanted to know exactly how I was.
I also needed to speak to someone who I knew would totally understand. Not just another parent who could only imagine how I felt, but one who had actually walked down the same path.
A friend suggested I go to SIDS and Kids, I didn’t know much about them other than that they provided support to parents who had lost babies, but I went anyway because I knew that I wasn’t OK.
I remember arriving at the building and standing at the door, seeing a few people rushing around setting up birthday streamers for someone. I almost turned and walked out when a lady came up to me, put her arm around me and said, ‘What’s your story, girlfriend?’ I meekly replied that I had lost my teenage boys just eight weeks ago. She hugged me and said, ‘Hey, I lost my boy five years ago, he was 14.’
Finally, I felt a sense of relief, I had found someone who really did understand. We sat and had the conversation – you know the one that starts with, ‘So how are you? Are you OK?’
The difference for this one was that I knew what she meant. I knew that she interpreted ‘OK’ the same as me. I told her, if you mean, am I eating and sleeping, and am I upright and breathing, then yes, I guess I’m OK. She said, ‘No, are you really OK. I mean, how are you coping? What strategies do you have in place? Who is supporting you? Do you have someone to talk to? Is anyone coming and taking you out for a coffee?’ These are the real questions to be asked.
We all know how to answer the question, ‘Are you OK?’ We say yes. But I’ve learnt it’s best to say, ‘Actually, I’m not doing too well today,’ or ‘Actually, I’m doing fine today,’ if that’s how you are feeling. Other people can’t give us what we need if they don’t have a clue how you really feel.
I found when I said, “Actually I’m not doing too well today,” people would ask if there was anything they could do and I would tell them what would help on that day – whether it was to have some quiet time, or a cup of tea and a little chat. Whatever I needed, I told them. I learnt really quickly that people have no clue how to cope with someone else’s grief so we have to train them to help us.”
How to help someone who is not OK:
“I’ve since become a support group leader for parents who have lost children, and I see many people who come to the meeting who are clearly not OK. I can tell by their body language, facial expressions, the words they are using in a conversation, the lack of conversation or the look in their eyes. In a way, I’m lucky that I can notice these things, but I only notice them because I have a true understanding of their journey.
If you notice a change in someone, start a discussion by asking, ‘How’s your day (or week) been?’ Or you might say: ‘Hey, how about we go for a cuppa?’ If you know them well, take the initiative and offer to take them somewhere familiar; ‘I have booked us a table at that little cafe you like. I’m coming to get you.’
Offering to do a specific household task (eg, the supermarket shopping or mowing their lawn) is also helpful to someone who is struggling emotionally. A lot of the time, people who want to help will say, ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you’ – but people often don’t want to put somebody out, so instead of that, be specific, ‘I thought I might pop over and peg the washing out for you, then we can go for a walk.’
People might not be OK for all manner of reasons. The trick is when you notice it, don’t avoid it. My mentor on my journey of grief annoyed me greatly for the first couple of weeks after our first meeting, calling me offering to take me out to do the washing, ironing – anything – before I actually agreed. Be persistent if someone is resistant; they might not want a conversation or meeting today, but persist because they will eventually come around.
Another thing to note is that sometimes silence is OK. Sometimes the person suffering just needs to have someone around, not necessarily to talk to, but to just know they are not alone. Sometimes my friends would just bring a movie round to watch together – no need for chatter, just company.
A friend of mine once bought a picnic to my lounge room because I wouldn’t leave the house. She didn’t call me first, she just turned up, set the picnic rug up and there we sat eating a picnic lunch on my carpet. It was just what I needed although I didn’t know it at the time.”
