Tommys Joke Page

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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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My kids keep taking the **bleep** out my Alzheimer's!
They won't think it's so funny when they wake up on Christmas morning and there's no eggs under the bonfire.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Dear Mom,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put petrol on a fire, the petrol will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.
He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo.

Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Little Johnnie again.
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little
Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so
much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,
'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why,thank you,Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw ยฃ10...

The teller told her, "For withdrawals less than ยฃ100 please use the ATM"...

The old lady wanted to know why...

The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, "These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you"...

The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money

I have"...

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, you have ยฃ30,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow...?

The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately...

The teller told her any amount up to ยฃ3000...

"Well, please let me have ยฃ3000 now", she said, The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her...

The old lady put ยฃ10 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit ยฃ2990 back into her account.

the moral of this tale...

Moral of the story...

Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills...
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1998 of 2,046
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An Irish Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition ...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lough to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink ...

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lough, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety ...

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother ...

'Grandma,' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lough like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lough is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya eejit!"
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
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