Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[cee-dee]

Old Tommy was eating in a truck stop when three bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spit into the old man's milk and then he took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.

Without a word of protest, old Tommy quietly left the diner.

Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"

The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles."

Moral:- Don't mess with Tommy!

[tommy.irene]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all die. In order to get into heaven though, they must go up 100 steps, each containing a joke. The trick is that they must not laugh. The brunette goes first and laughs at the first step and is sent to hell. The redhead goes next and makes it to the seventh step before she laughs. Finally, it’s the blondes turn. She gets all the way to the 99th step before she laughs. The brunette asks her, “You were so close, why did you laugh?” and she responds, “I just got the first joke.

[cee-dee]

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you." He knew what it was. "Oh my god!" he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found old Tommy with a cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."

Old Tommysaid, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk as it is!" After several pleas, Tommy hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."  Old Tommy whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say old Tommy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

[tommy.irene]

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW. IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out. IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain basement upstairs... IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. IN AN OFFICE: After tea break, staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. OUTSIDE A SECOND-HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain? NOTICE IN HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness... SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants, please stay in your car. SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the 1st floor. NOTICE IN A FARMER'S FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges. MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons. ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.) ============================================ PROOF READING IS A DYING ART, WOULDN'T YOU SAY? MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS REALLY? POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY - HUNDREDS DEAD

[tommy.irene]

555 snipe

[tommy.irene]

One friend asks another, "When are you getting married to your girlfriend?" He replies, "I would have already if it weren't for her family." His friend asks, "Her family?" He replies, "Her husband and three kids."

[tommy.irene]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him. Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing," his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the boy says. "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Ole Blue doing, son," his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this they've had such good results with this program that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ," says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program? " Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." His father sends the money. The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him talk and read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?" The father says, "I hope you SHOT that sorry excuse for a dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"

[tommy.irene]

A lady who lives near a railway line needs to have a cupboard assembled in her bedroom. She calls in a carpenter and just as he is about to leave, a train passes by her window and the doors of the cupboard fly open. The carpenter tightens the screws and again a train rolls by and the doors fly open. The carpenter makes some final adjustments but still the doors keep flying open when the train passes. The carpenter says that this is very strange and that he needs to see what happens from the inside of the cupboard. He climbs in and closes the doors. Meantime the lady's husband comes home and finds the carpenter inside the cupboard. When he demands an explanation the carpenter asks: "Would you believe me if I told you that I'm waiting for a train?

[cee-dee]

CD was defending Tommy accused of burglary and tried this creative defence:-

"My client merely inserted his right arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put CD," the judge replied. "You're strong on logic so using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

Tommy grinned.

With CD's assistance, Tommy detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[tommy.irene]

CD.. "I just fell off a 50 ft ladder." Tommy.. "Oh my God, are you okay?" CD.. "Yeah it's a good thing I fell off the first step."