Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were Antartians, and one was a university professor. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the professor said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the professor saying she would get off, all of the Antartians started clapping.

[tommy.irene]

Who is smarter, you or your dog? A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works... If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is the smarter one.

[tommy.irene]

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the manager said. "But sir, I have a wife and five children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the manager replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and seven children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the manager answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as it was. One of the poor fellows turned to the wealthy fellow and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The manager replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place, the grass is almost 1 foot high!" Lesson: Never trust managers... They will go to any extreme to finish their job.

[tommy.irene]

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that's the talking clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "Watch", the man said, giving it an ear-shattering pound with a hammer. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "It's 2am in the morning!!

[tommy.irene]

I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses. They shaved with a solid steel stoneground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs off, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub. Honestly, the wife's never looked so good!

[tommy.irene]

What the Fire Chief Said - Priceless For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible. Not fair to make judgment of this, until you see what the Fire Chief says!!!! In South Los Angeles , a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire. A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, Lived on the first floor, they died. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, All illegally in the country from Kenya , lived on the second floor, And they, too, all perished in the fire. 6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons, Lived on the 3rd floor and they, too, died. A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire. Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious!! They flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know, Why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics, All died in the fire and why only the White couple lived? The Fire Chief said, "They were at work"

[tommy.irene]

A wife once gave her husband the silent treatment for an entire week. She didn't say anything, she just put it into practice. She was hoping it would make him be more attentive to her and to their marriage. At the end of the week she decided to bring up subject. "You notice anything different about us this past week?" Without missing a beat, and without having a clue either, he replied. “Yeah, we’re getting along pretty great lately!”

[tommy.irene]

At one Mensa convention, several members at a local cafe noticed the shaker with an S on top, for salt, contained pepper and their pepper shaker, with a P on top, was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling anything and using only the implements at hand? Clearly, here was the marvellous Mensa mystery! They presented ideas, debated them, and finally came up with what they felt was a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the blonde waitress over to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains..." "Oh, sorry!" interrupted the blonde waitress. "Here," and she unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.

[tommy.irene]

Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head samurai. So he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth. A year passes and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces! The emperor says, "That is very impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH. WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The emperor says, "That is really impressive!" Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in, opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH! A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing around. The emperor says in disappointment, "Why is the fly not dead?" And the Jewish samurai replies, "Look closer, that fly has been circumcised!"

[tommy.irene]

A tale is told about a small town in the South of England, late 1800's that had historically been "dry" (no alcohol sold), but then a local businessman decided to build a tavern. A group of Christians from a local church were concerned and planned an all-night prayer meeting to ask God to intervene. It just so happened that shortly thereafter lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground. The owner of the bar sued the church, claiming that the prayers of the congregation were responsible, but the church hired a lawyer to argue in court that they were not responsible. The presiding judge, after his initial review of the case, stated that: "No matter how this case comes out, one thing is clear"......... "The Tavern Owner believes in prayer, and the Christians do not."