Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!' 'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone That reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

[tommy.irene]

A ranch had two horses and couldn’t tell them apart… …so they tied a ribbon to one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart. But then the horse pulled off the ribbon, so then they shaved the mane of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart. But then the mane grew back, so then they cut the tail off of one of the horses and for a time, they could tell them apart. But then the tail grew back. So finally, they measured, and they found the white horse was 6 inches taller than the Black horse.

[tommy.irene]

A faithful couple got the bad news from their doctor. They couldn't have any children. On the way home from the Doctor they were led to drop by to see their pastor to ask for prayer. The Pastor ran an auto repair shop on the side, so they dropped by the shop. After they explained the situation, the pastor was led to pray for them on the spot. He looked around, grabbed a can of three-in-one oil and quickly blessed it to anoint them. Sure enough about 9 months later they had triplets. The couple once again showed up at the pastor's study and as soon as the woman saw the pastor she ran up to him, threw her arms around him and gave him the biggest hug. "What was that all about"? he asked. She replied "I'm just glad you used three-in-one oil and not WD-40

[tommy.irene]

A 5-year old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. "The comedies make me laugh.I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?" The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[tommy.irene]

."Tommy: "I took a big fall, fell off a 50 ft ladder." Irene: "Oh wow, are you okay?" Tommy: "Yeah, it's a good thing I only fell off the first step."

[tommy.irene]

One day at the entrance to heaven, St. Peter saw a violent street gang walk up to the Pearly Gates. This being a first, St. Peter ran to God and said, “God, there are some evil, thieving street gangers at the Pearly Gates. What do I do?” God replied, “Just do what you normally do with that type. Send them down to hell.” St. Peter went back to carry out the order and all of a sudden he comes running back yelling, “God, God, they’re gone, they’re gone!” -“Who, the street gangers?” -“No, the Pearly Gates.”

[tommy.irene]

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named 'Guido' was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he "rattled her" senseless! After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and 'the rattling resumed'. This time she thrashed about wildly, and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends, and again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, ... "No, I Norwegian!"

[tommy.irene]

My five-year-old son is crazy about cars so I took him to his first car show. He loved seeing all the different models and brands and gushed over the big engines, the colors, and even the wheels. But the car he was most impressed with was a hearse. “Mom!” he shouted. “Look at all this storage!”

[tommy.irene]

Jock & Jimmy were walking along a street in London. Jock looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair". Jock said to his pal, "Look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of these and when we get back to Scotland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think we are cheap Scotsmen and try to screw us. I'll put on my best London accent". "OK Jock, I'll keep me mouth shut" said Jimmy They go in and Jock said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load them on, old chap! The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Scotland, aren't you?" "Well yes," said a surprised Jock. "What gave it away?" The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners..

[tommy.irene]

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. The landlord asked, “Do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?" Tony answered, “No, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"