Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

50 SHEDS OF GREY.

I don't know if any of you have read this book, if you haven’t, the following might give you an idea of what it is all about.
The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes. Now a spoof, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book has author Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here are some extracts...
Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a wall... but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. "I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me." So I took her to McDonalds.
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly. "Mmmm, kinky!" she purred. "Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."
"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be punished." So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.


"Harder!" she cried, gripping the shed workbench tightly. "Harder!" "Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos. "I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the receipt.
"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench. "Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."
"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks." She nodded. "Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!" "Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
"Pleasure and pain can be experienced simultaneously," she said, gently massaging my back as we listened to her Coldplay CD

[tommy.irene]

A man came home from work and found his 5 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog, walking in the door, he found ...an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel... She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...
''Yes," was his incredulous reply..
She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.

[tommy.irene]

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

[tommy.irene]

A man who was just about to be executed was asked whether he would like to have a last smoke.
The man answered, "No thank you, I don't smoke. I don't want to get lung cancer."

[tommy.irene]

First blast of winter: Chaos on roads and railways as up to six inches of snow falls throughout the UKCold weather takes hold of all UK with snow falling in almost every area Travel chaos as bad weather sits over Scotland, east England and London Roads and airports affected and travellers asked to take extra time 10-car pile-up on the M4 into London while other roads are closed Trains from London to East Anglia disrupted - 60mph limit imposed Rail company Greater Anglia branded an 'embarrassment' by campaigners Rescue firms dealing with thousands more call outs yesterday than usual

PUBLISHED: 15 January 2013

Parts of Britain were forecast to be blanketed with up to six inches of snow last night.

With temperatures plummeting, there were fears that roads and rail lines could be plunged into chaos.

Last night one train company, Greater Anglia, was branded a ‘national embarrassment’ after cancelling 24 trains even though less than an inch of snow had fallen.

Furious passengers took to the internet to voice their frustration as routes between London Liverpool Street and Cambridge, Colchester, Ipswich and Norwich were hit with delays and cancellations.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261619/First-blast-winter-Chaos-roads-railways-inches-snow-falls-UK.html#ixzz2I1n3dM00

[tommy.irene]

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... · You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. · Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. · All of your friends have an @ in their names. · Your dog has its own home page. · You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. · You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. · You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. · You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." · The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. · Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

[tommy.irene]

Judge: Haven’t I seen you before?
Man: Yes, Your Honor. I taught your daughter how to play the drums.
Judge: Twenty years!

[tommy.irene]

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks..


'Yep,' the Lab replies.



After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that .

[tommy.irene]

 Two roofers, Larry and Joe were on the roof laying tile, when a sudden win gust came and knocked down their ladder. “I have an idea” said Larry. “We’ll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder.” What, do you thing, I’m stupid? “I have and idea” said Joe. “I’ll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light.” What, do you think I’m stupid? “You’ll just turn off the flashlight when I’m halfway there.

[tommy.irene]

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said:
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."