Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[tommy.irene]

A woman brings a very limp duck into a vets. As she lays her pet on the table, the vet pulls out his stethoscope and listens to the birds chest. After a moment or two, he shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, your pet is dead.

The distressed woman wails, "are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure, the duck is dead." he replies 

"How can you be so sure? " she protests. "I mean, you haven't done any testing-he might be in a coma or something."

The vet rolls his eyes, turns and leaves the room. He returns with a black Labrador. The ducks owner looks on in amazement as the dog stands on his hind legs & puts his front paws on the table & sniffs the duck from top to bottom. He looks at the vet with sad eyes & shakes his head.

The vet pats the dog & takes it out & returns with a cat. 

The cat jumps on the table sniffs the bird from beak to tail & back, shakes it’s head, jumps down & leaves the room.

The vet looks at the woman & says "I'm sorry, but this duck is most definitely, 100%, certifiably, a dead duck. 

He turns to his computer, hits a few keys, & produces a bill which he gives her. Still in shock, she takes the bill "£450!" she cries. "That much to tell me the duck is dead."

The vet shrugs. "If you'd taken my word for it, it would have been £30. But with the Lab Report & the Cat Scan - it all adds up."

[tommy.irene]

College
A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan.
This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test.
The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance".

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?
Peter: Because they had so many knights.

[tommy.irene]

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

She said, "Yes you are."

I said, "No I'm  not

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not drunk."

[tommy.irene]

Paddy sets Murphy up with a blind date , Paddy says " Shes a nice girl , but theres something you should know ... " Shes expecting a baby " The next day Paddy asked Murphy how he got on ? " Alright said Murphy ,.... apart from she was an hour late and I felt a right idiot sitting at the bar in a nappy " !!

[tommy.irene]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[tommy.irene]

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend. He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “.... DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

[tommy.irene]

A woman goes into the pharmacy and asks for a bottle of poison off him ! Why would you want that asked the Pharmacist ? To give to my husband to kill him she harshly replied !! I'm sorry Madam but I can't help you to poison your husband .. At which point the woman tearfully started to rummage through her handbag and then handed the Pharmacist a photograph of her husband having an intimate moment with the Pharmacists wife !!!! To which the Pharmacist announced "Why didn't you say you had a prescription"