Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell. After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

[tasfleur]

:^O

[tommy.irene]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Pettry amzanig huh?

[tommy.irene]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church.

"Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

"And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried in pain as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed.

"Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"Christ!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again Mr Jones," said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice.
As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband with the pin, who yelled....

"You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ????"

"Amen!" shouted the congregation.
----------------------------------------------------

[tommy.irene]

Two Irish hunters get a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.

They bag six.

As Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot says "The plane can only take four of those."

The two lads object strongly.

"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.

A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asks Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick says, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

[tommy.irene]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together. One night the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.
The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure. Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[tommy.irene]

A Brit was travelling in America. He pulled into a small town and stopped for breakfast. He was enjoying his toast, jam and coffee when a rather 'loud' American sat down at the same table. The Brit ignored the man, who sat opposite him, irritatingly chewing gum with an open mouth. The American finally spoke:

American: "You British folks eat all the toast?"

Brit: (in a bad mood) "Yes we do."

American: (after blowing a huge gum bubble) "We don't. We save the crusts, recycle them, make them into bread and sell it to Britain."

The American has a smirk on his face. The Brit continues with his breakfast.

American: (cracking his bubble gum between his teeth and chuckling) "I see you are eating jam."

Brit: "Of course."

American: "We don't eat jam here. We eat healthy fresh fruit for breakfast, then we take all the peel and leftovers from the fruit and make it into jam and sell it to Britain."

After a moment of silence the Brit asks:
"Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Sure man! Of course we do."

Brit: "What do you do with the used condoms?"

American: "We throw them away of course."

Brit: "We don't. We save them, melt them down, make them into bubble gum and sell it to America."

[tcmsecretuseid]

:^O

[tommy.irene]

A couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 18th April 2013

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It's hotter than blazes down here!

[tommy.irene]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10lb potato bags.

Then try 50lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)



After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.