Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It 
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's 
perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

[tommy.irene]

Farmer picks up an American Indian hitch hiking. The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, What in bag?" The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife". Indian thinks for a second and say, "Mmm, good trade"

[tommy.irene]

An 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a 
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're 
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be 
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart 
murmur; be careful.'

[tommy.irene]

Paddy runs into the pub and says,"Mick, your cars just been stolen".
Mick screams, "Bloody hell, did you see who stole it?"
"No" says Paddy "but i got the registration number."

[tommy.irene]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing..

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, Walked home ... And left it there all night.

[tommy.irene]

There's a lot to be said about marital bliss...
A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I could never kill my wife." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home." They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA tester the gun, saying, "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn't do it." The CIA man said, "Well, then, you're obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home."
Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

[cueperkins]

Hi Tommy, some of us were wondering who the moderator was back when we all first met on the UK boards?  Was it Richard and is he still there?

and btw how be you?

[tommy.irene]

His name was James and he left 2 months ago..... Im keeping fine ... call into the UK sometime..

[tommy.irene]

Marriage Humour ...



Wife: 'What are you doing?' 

Husband: Nothing. 

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.' 

------------------------------- 

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?' 

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?' 

Wife: 'Yes or no.' 


-------------------------------------------------------- 

Stress Reliever 
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.' 

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.' 

------------------------------ 

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.' 

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.' 

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap..' 

________________________________ 

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 

------------------------------------------------------------ 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!' 

[cueperkins]

His name was James and he left 2 months ago..... Im keeping fine ... call into the UK sometime..

Give me a link to a thread you post on often, and I'll be there with bells on me darlin