Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

An example of the new America: A brother and sister were driving to a couple stores and the conversation of buying things they needed came up. As they were talking, the sister mentioned that she needed to get a new car. The brother said, “Well, you have a college degree now, so you can go get the job that pays you more." The sister, who made between 10 and 11 dollars an hour said, “I already got the job that my college degree will get me. Now what?”

[tommy.irene]

A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points without hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"

[tommy.irene]

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.
The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

[tommy.irene]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.' 

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really 
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my 
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything 
better and I go to work.. You try that.' 



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You 
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got 
nice house'

__________________

[tommy.irene]

PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND
MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL
HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT
THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY,
AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.


THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY
PAID FOR ECONOMY
SHE W ILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.


THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M
STAYING RIGHT HERE."


THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING
WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.


THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A
BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."


HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.


THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE
HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.


"I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO ".

[tommy.irene]

By the time the soldier pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere", he pleaded with a proprietor. "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, but he is an Air Force guy" admitted the manager, and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.
" No problem." the tired Army guy assured him, "I'll take it." The next morning the soldier came down to breakfasts bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better", said the soldier. The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring all night long?" "No, I shut him up in no time", explained the soldier.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the proprietor.
"Well, he was already in bed, snoring away, when I walked into the room, so I gave him a kiss on the cheek" explained the soldier. “Then, I whispered in his ear 'Good night beautiful', and he sat up all night watching me."

[tommy.irene]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.


We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.


Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.


Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.


We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with. We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.


We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!



We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.



Only girls had pierced ears!



We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.



You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!



RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT 



Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.





The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!



Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla' 


We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TODEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.




PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear. He says, “What is wrong with me?
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”

[tommy.irene]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[tommy.irene]

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" 
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."