Visiting Irishman From UK

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 1 of 2,931
Latest reply
2,930 REPLIES 2,930

Visiting Irishman From UK

The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Doing Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman.

She Cried: โ€œYou Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me โ€” A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! Iโ€™m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!โ€

Husband Replied: โ€œHang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.โ€

She Sobbed: โ€œFine, Go Ahead, But Theyโ€™ll Be The Last Words Youโ€™ll Say To Me!โ€

And The Husband Began โ€“

Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift.

She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car.

I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadnโ€™t Eaten For Three Days.

So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldnโ€™t Eat Because Youโ€™re Afraid Youโ€™ll Put On Weight.

Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away.

Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Donโ€™t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight.

I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Donโ€™t Wear Because I Donโ€™t Have Good Taste.

I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Donโ€™t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Donโ€™t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same.

The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: โ€œShe Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said,

โ€œPlease โ€ฆ Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesnโ€™t Use?โ€œ

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 721 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

 

 
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 722 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.jpg

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 723 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote click'."


Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 724 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."x8.gif
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 725 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

An elderly man in Melbourne calls his son in Cairns and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Perth and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 726 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

LOL Tommy-does happen-------------keep them coming..................Richo.

Message 727 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

A Cajun named, Jean Paul, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from an old farmer named Ben for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, Ben drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." "Well, then, just give me the money back," said Jean Paul "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Replied Ben "OK, then. Just unload the donkey," said Jean Paul. "What ya going to do with him?" asked Ben. "I'm going to raffle him off," said Jean Paul. "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" uttered Ben. "Sure can. Watch me. I just won't tell that he's dead," said Jean Paul. A month later Ben met up with the Cajun and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" "I raffled him off, I did. I sold 500-hunderd tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898," said Jean Paul. "Didn't anyone complain?" inquired Ben. "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back,โ€ said Jean Paul.
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 728 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." 

"This is the worst day of my life," I say.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.

When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole **bleep** thing!

"But, Hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"

Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 729 of 2,931
Latest reply

Visiting Irishman From UK

 

 
Tommy Loves Everyone... Im a 75 year old nutcase..
Message 730 of 2,931
Latest reply