Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"
The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

[tommy.irene]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.' 

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really 
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my 
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything 
better and I go to work.. You try that.' 



Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You 
say and I feel Great. I be at work soon.........You got 
nice house'

_______________

[lind9650]

Tommy, for once I must say; Thank You, for your constant contributions.

It makes my day to read something that makes me smile or even laugh a good belly laugh. I am no good at telling jokes, but am a great listener.

Erica, a 77year old fruitcake.

[tommy.irene]

---

@lind9650 wrote:

Tommy, for once I must say; Thank You, for your constant contributions.

It makes my day to read something that makes me smile or even laugh a good belly laugh. I am no good at telling jokes, but am a great listener.

Erica, a 77year old fruitcake.

---

Im glad i make someone laugh..

[tommy.irene]

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

[tommy.irene]

A pretty blonde was ticketed in economy class for a flight from London to Sydney. A few minutes into the flight, she got out of her seat, found an empty seat in first class, and sat down.

The flight attendant came and said "Miss, I'm sorry, but you are ticketed for economy class, and I'm afraid you'll have have return to your designated seat".

The blonde retorts "I'm blonde, beautiful, and I'm flying first class to Sydney". "No", the flight attendant replied, "you cannot sit in first class, I'm sorry". 

After some arguing, the flight attendant entered the cockpit and said, "Captain, I have blonde woman from economy class who insists on sitting in first.. I can't seem to convince her to go back to her seat, can you help?".

Captain says, "Oh, no problem... my wife is blonde .. I speak blonde.. just a moment". 

The captain gets up and whispers in the blonde's ear. "Oh", she says, "I'm very sorry, I didn't know", and returns to her seat in economy class.

Captain returns to the cockpit, followed by the flight attendant. "Wow! What did you say to her?", the flight attendant asks.

"Oh, simple... I just told her first class isn't going to Sydney".

[tommy.irene]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul ,
Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
said, “Land mines.”


Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

__________________

[tommy.irene]

The Traffic Warden's funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too late my friend, the paperwork's already done"

[tommy.irene]

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. 
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. 
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." 
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. 
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." 
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

[tommy.irene]

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."