Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies. Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!” “Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

[tommy.irene]

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... · You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. · Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. · All of your friends have an @ in their names. · Your dog has its own home page. · You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. · You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. · You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. · You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." · The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. · Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

[tommy.irene]

My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. Coli Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then. We all took PE ..... And risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 50 kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!! We all said prayers in school irrespective of our religion, sang the national anthem and no one got upset. Staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention we wish we hadn’t got. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!! Oh yeah ... And where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? Could I have been killed! We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 2/6p bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive?

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A teacher was asking her young class about Jesus. "Now class, who can tell me where we can find Jesus Christ ? Little Johnny threw his hand up but the teacher knew better than to go straight to him, so she chose the class swot, Emily. Emily said "We can find him in our hearts". "Very good Emily" said the teacher. "Who can tell me where else we can find Jesus ?" Again,little johnnys hand flies up. The teacher looks around the class but nobody else is offering an answer. She sighs and relents. "All right johnny, let's hear it then" she says. Little johnny says "In our bathroom Miss" The teacher is very surprised and asks how he knows this. Little johnny replies, "Every morning I hear Dad hammering on the bathroom door and shouting 'Jesus Christ, you still in there?'"

[tommy.irene]

A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer. He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said, “Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up, Handle With Care.’” “Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”

[tommy.irene]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a Genie appeared. "You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment, " said the Genie" As a reward I shall grant you one wish." "Well, " said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me..?" the Prince asked. The Genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like..?" The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana, " said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman called Camilla, " and he showed the genie the second photo. "You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana..?" The Genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at that dog!!..

[tommy.irene]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied. The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."