Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[not_an_eloi]

aye, tommy.    

top o' to ya'

can you tell me which cinema in dublin is goin' to be showin' yer

les miserables

[tommy.irene]

aye, tommy.    

top o' to ya'

can you tell me which cinema in dublin is goin' to be showin' yer

les miserables

I dont know ..I live in the Canary Isles now ..google it..

[not_an_eloi]

gee, tanks

[tommy.irene]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[tommy.irene]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win your money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

Grandpa said “I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it! How about I give you a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It's a bet.”

Immediately Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Then Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Obviously the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa then removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He now starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks with a smile, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage to do that, so he agrees again to the bet

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But now, Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands and is visibly distressed.

”Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

[tommy.irene]

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."

[tommy.irene]

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary. She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for $25 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered, "OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

[tommy.irene]

A patron at a restaurant was continually bothering the waiter about the air conditioning: first he would ask for the air conditioning to be turned up because it was too hot, then he would ask it be turned down because it was to cold, this went on for about a half an hour. To the surprise of the rest of the customers, the waiter was very patient, walking aback and forth and very pleasant. So finally a customer asked; why don’t you just throw out the pest? “Oh, I don’t care,” said the waiter with a grin, we don’t even have an air conditioner.”

[tommy.irene]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

... At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The priest noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the priest later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'"

The men would ask, "'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

[tommy.irene]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them
through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was
used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in
America with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send
us on bus tours!