Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to the doctors and asks why he's been feeling ill. The doctor examines him and replies "I'm sorry to tell you, you've got the disease known as Yellow 24." "What's that?” the man asks. "It means your internal organs have started turning yellow - you've got 24 hours to live".
The man goes home and tells his wife the bad news. His wife says "Well, will you come to bingo with me tonight then? Otherwise you'll never be able to." The man agrees so he and his wife go to the bingo. He finds that he's won the one-line and £10. He begins to think this isn't such a bad day after all. Twenty minutes later, he's won the full house and £150. He enters the lucky draw, worth £500, and wins that too. The bingo caller calls him up on stage.
He says "I don't believe it, mate. You've won three competitions in a total of £660 in one night. You must be the luckiest man on the earth!"
The man says "Well, no, I'm not. I've got Yellow 24."
The bingo caller looks down at the piece of paper he's holding and starts clapping. "I don't believe it; he's won the raffle as well!"

[tommy.irene]

While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?” “No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”

[tommy.irene]

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

[tommy.irene]

A man solves the problem of too many visiting relatives. He borrowed money from the rich ones and loaned it to the poor ones. Now none of them come back.

[tommy.irene]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all.”
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."

[tommy.irene]

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." 

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." 

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

[tommy.irene]

A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have teeth taken out" "$90" said the dentist "that’s ridiculous" said the man.” I could lose the anesthetic and it would cost $60" "that’s still to expensive,” said the man "if I don't use any anesthesia I could knock the price down to $20". Still to much" said the man.” Well one of my students can do it for $10" said the dentist "perfect" said the man "book my wife for next Tuesday".

[tommy.irene]

EST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that i am leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and i have nothing to show for it. These last two week have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit you job today and that was the last straw. LAst week you came home and did not even notice my new haircut, or that i had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want s3x or any thing that connects us husband and wife. Either your cheating on me or you do not love me any more; whatever the case, I'm gone. signed Your EX-Husband P.S Don't try to find me. Your sister and i are moving to West Virginia together! Have a Great life... -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- -------------------------------------- Dear Ex-Husband, Nothing has made my day more than recieving your letter. It's true we have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you have been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work I did notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, i didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because i stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and i prayed it was just a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, i still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when i hit the lotto for 10 million, i quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica, but when i got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, i guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich as hell and free... P.S. I don't know if i ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that is not a problem! 🙂

[tommy.irene]

A man moved to a mountain top to get rid of the hustle and be alone. One day he heard a knock at the door and no one was there but then he looked down and there sat a snail and it said "it is quite cold out here can I come in?" the man shouted "NO why don’t you all understand I want to be alone!" and he kicked the snail down the mountain. One year later there was a knock at the door and no one was there and then he looked down and there again sat a snail and it said, "What did you do that for?"

[tommy.irene]

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for
Gramma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"
"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!