Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Q: Did you hear about the person who forgot to pay their exorcist?
A: They were repossessed.

Two coworkers were talking by the water fountain one guy said, "Today I got through the first step of getting divorced." The second guy replies, "Oh, did you go to Mr. Guggenheim? Everyone goes to him for divorces." The first man replies, "No, I just got married"........

[tommy.irene]

I bring my best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.

My wife screams at me as my friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done,

I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married." 

[tommy.irene]

HOW TO PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.


4. Then analyse the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing c. If they have
messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in
Planning e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security g. If they have broken the
bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking
for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic
Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been
moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way
that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government

[tommy.irene]

Two cowboys are riding their horses together on the prairie. They come upon a big pile of manure. The first cowboy goes to the second, "I will bet you a $1000 that I can eat all of this **bleep**." The second cowboy agrees, so the first cowboy eats the entire pile and wins $1000.

The two cowboys ride on and after some time come across another pile of manure. This time the second cowboy bets the first that he too can eat the whole pile for $1000. The first cowboy agrees and the second cowboy eats the entire pile and wins the bet.

They ride on again. After a while the first cowboy says to the second, "Do you realize that we just ate a whole pile of manure for nothing?"

[tommy.irene]

Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

[tommy.irene]

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter" 

Father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. 
I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. 
Sandra is actually your sister.
"The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!" 

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?" 

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, 
he went straight to his mother crying. 

Son:"Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him He isn't your father."

[tommy.irene]

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[tommy.irene]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "Your lying, You've been playing golf!"

[tommy.irene]

The fortune teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. Visibly shaken, she stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

The woman took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?" ___________________________________

[tommy.irene]

It was two o' clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang. The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slammed the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."