Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist. 

"Could you taste this for me, please?" 

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. 

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy. 

"No, not at all," says the chemist. 

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."

[tommy.irene]

I love eBay, I sold my homing pigeon eight times last month! 

[tommy.irene]

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. 

'Hallo, Mr. Teacozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well Paddy, my name is Sarkozy he replied. How big is your army?'

'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.' 

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.' 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!' 

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks. 

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.' 

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.' 

'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.' 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!' 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!' 

'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.' 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.' 

'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?' 

'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no ******' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'

[tommy.irene]

15 things we wouldn’t know if it wasn’t for the movies

1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, "I'll be right back", they won't.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say: 
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

And last but not least

15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

[tommy.irene]

The Three Little Pigs  Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.  'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy. 'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.  'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.  The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.  'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.  'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy. 'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.  The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.  'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.  'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.  'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.  'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'  But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'  You're goanna LOVE me for this....  The third piggy says -  'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[tommy.irene]

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the
final word on nutrition and health.

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than us. 

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently
what kills you

[tommy.irene]

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?" The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?" "Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?" "Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?" "Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!" The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada. The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?" "Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls." And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[tommy.irene]

ister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. 

As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. 

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. 
HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait.... and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient! 

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. 
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street. 
One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.' 

[tommy.irene]

Lady: do you smoke?
Man: yes
Lady: how many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: how much per pack
Man: $10.00
Lady: and how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: so 1 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: correct
Lady: if in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: correct
Lady: do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a tep-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: do you smoke?
Lady: no
Man: where's your bloody Ferrari then?............

[tommy.irene]

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk: How much does it costs? “Only one kiss per yard,” replied the male clerk with a smirk. “That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, “Grandpa will pay the bill.”