Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Pest Control 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. 

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 

'Who are you?' he asked him.. 

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little pigs;

[tommy.irene]

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing £2,000. He is offering a reward of £500.00 for its immediate return.” After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “£550.00”

[tommy.irene]

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing? “The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize. “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field."

[lloydslights]

Thanks for the laughs, Tommy.

[tommy.irene]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays.

[tommy.irene]

Two elderly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" 
"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great." 
"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" 
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" 
"You mean a rose?" 
"Yes, that's it!" 
He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[tommy.irene]

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a
blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you
tell that joke, you should know something."Our bartender IS blonde,
the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting
next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to
your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is
blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"The
blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[tommy.irene]

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

[tommy.irene]

WHERE CAN I SHOP NOW?

When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note so I should complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed.

After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card.

Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

Man, I hate this getting older stuff.

[tommy.irene]

As I ran out of the supermarket this morning, the fat security guard started chasing me.

After running around the car park a few times, I finally came to a stop.

He grabbed me by my collar and breathlessly said, "Open your jacket."

So I unzipped it and said, "I've got nothing mate."

"Then why did you run?" he asked.

"Because I thought you could do with the exercise."