on โ11-04-2009 07:38 PM
Solved! Go to Solution.
on โ15-07-2014 04:03 PM
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes down stairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?"
he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her
husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside
him. The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a
shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my
daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
on โ16-07-2014 04:21 PM
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!โ Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, whereโs the story about the big swindle?โ The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "read all about it; Fifty-one people swindled!โ
on โ17-07-2014 04:58 PM
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
on โ18-07-2014 04:52 PM
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
โPardon me,โ she said, โIโm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. Itโs just that you look just like my son, who just died recently.โ
โIโm very sorry,โ replied the young man, โis there anything I can do for you?โ
โYes,โ she said, โAs Iโm leaving, can you say โGood bye, Mother!โ ? It would make me feel so much better.โ
โSure,โ answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, โGoodbye, Mother!โ As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. โHow can that be?โ he asked, โI only purchased a few things!โ โYour mother said that you would pay for her,โ said the clerk.
on โ19-07-2014 05:12 PM
You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.
In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.
You require for a DNA analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you canโt be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.
On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. Thatโs what the real stress is.
on โ20-07-2014 05:13 PM
There was a little boy, his parents, and the little boyโs grandma living in a house together. One morning the grandma calls the little boy downstairs for breakfast. When he gets there he asks, "where are mommy and daddy?" and the grandma replies, "their still in bed." The little Boy laughs and goes out to play until he's called by his grandma for lunch. "Where are mommy and daddy?" he asks at lunch. "Their still in bed." she replies. The little boy laughs again and goes out to play until his grandma calls him in for dinner. "Where are mommy and daddy?" the little boy asks. "Their still in bed." the grandma replies. The little boy giggles again and the grandma asks "Why do you keep laughing every time I say that your mommy and daddy are still in bed?" The little boy replies, "Because last night daddy asked me to bring him the Vaseline while him and mommy were in bed and I brought him the Super Glue instead!"
on โ21-07-2014 04:26 PM
A guy was cutting the tail off his dog. His neighbor asked, "What the hell are you doing?" โMy mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want any sign of welcome" He replied. |
A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him. He stopped one of the runners and asked: โWhatโs happening?โ The runner replied breathlessly: โA lion has escaped from the zoo.โ โOh my, which way is it heading?โ โWell you donโt think we are chasing it, do you?โ |
on โ22-07-2014 04:33 PM
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "
on โ23-07-2014 04:36 PM
on โ24-07-2014 04:19 PM
When things go wrong,
When sadness fill your heart,
When tears flow in your eyes,
Just let me know,
Cause I want to be there for you,
I am selling tissues,buy one get one free.