A bit Of Toilet Humour

[the_great_she_elephant]

A bit of toilet  humour to cheer you all up. I wrote this in response to a prank photo that circulated showing empty shelves in Busselton Library .

The Literary Dunny

You’ve heard no doubt, the news about

The current bog roll panic,

With fights in shops and calls to cops

And bogans going manic.

Me old mate, Blue, was in a stew

He didn’t find it funny,

That all around no shop he found

With bogroll for his dunny.

He sat alone upon the ‘throne’

In silent desperation,

But then at last there came a blast -

A flash of inspiration.

“Well b*gger me,” he cried with glee

“I’ll fix those theivin’ crooks.

To wipe me crack I’ll just change tack –

And get meself some books.’

With footsteps light at dead of night

He hit the town library,

And helped himself off every shelf

With speed extraordinary.

Then home he crept while others slept

Triumphant and quite blasé

And quickly took each stolen book

And stashed them in the khazi

“And now” he said “they’ll all be read

By me, when on the loo

And when I’m done, to clean me bum

I’ll use a page or two.

I’ve books that that tease and books that please,

And books would shock a parson

But, stone the crows, who sees or knows

Which words I wipe me a**e on?

The library’s shock to find their stock

So cruelly depleted

Was plain to all – as was their call

That justice out be meted.

The South West Times deplored the crimes,

And called for retribution

But sly old Blue had left no clue,

So dodged a prosecution

The only bloke in on the joke

Is me – and there’s no money

Could tempt me to dob in Old Blue

And his literary dunny.

[the_great_she_elephant]

Today's episode comes courtesy of Tippytoes. It's not one of my best, but, hey, they can't all be mastepieces.

Old Blue And The Orange Thief

Blue’s orange tree produced a really bumper crop last year,

And the old bloke shared that bounty with his neighbours far and near.

He invited them to come and pick the fruit from off the tree,

With a notice on his gate that read “Just help yourself – they’re free”.

The news soon got around and people came from everywhere.

But nobody was greedy or took more than their fair share.

Until, one rainy afternoon, with no-one there to see,

Some **bleep** seized his chance and he completely stripped the tree.

Old Blue was incandescent. “If I catch that sod” he said

I’ll make him think the wrath of God has fallen on his head.

“Softly, softly, Blue .”I said. “We’ll nail the little rat,

But remember, Mate there’s more than just one way to skin a cat.”

I doubt your little orange thief, has planned to eat them all,

I reckon that the greedy sod will try to sell his haul.”

We checked the Facebook market page and Gumtree ads as well,

And sure enough we found a bloke with oranges to sell.

Rather than rush over there to threaten and to shout

We decided to use strategy to catch the bugger out.

We pretended to be buyers and called round very night,

And as we chatted, casual like, Blue told him of his plight,

The bloke tried to sound shocked, but he was faking, it was clear,

“I’ll fix him though.” said Blue, “because my good mate here

Is an agricultural scientist, with the CSIRO,

And his expertise is goin’ to nail the thievin so and so.

We’ve bought some fruit from every seller hereabouts, you see,

And his tests will show me which of ‘em were stolen off me tree.”

The seller gulped uneasily; he said “Good thinking mate,

But I don’t believe that’s going to convince a magistrate.

Your notice didn’t stipulate ‘fair shares’ of any sort,

It simply said ‘Just help yourself’ - he’ll throw it out of court.”

“Well, now, aren’t you the clever one?” admiringly said Blue

“But I never mentioned notices. I wonder how you knew”

You should have seen that bloke’s face – it had dawned on him doubt

That he’d overplayed his hand and his own words had caught him out.

“A lucky guess,” he mumbled “there’s a sign back down the road.”

But he didn’t sound convincing and his agitation showed,

“Of course,” said Blue, “A lucky guess. But don’t misunderstand,

It was not a legal form of retribution that I planned.

Me scientific mate here, well he has a close relation,

Who works as a presenter on our local TV station.

She’s very happy to expose the **bleep**’s little game,

So once we have the proof, she’ll do a public ‘name and shame.”

She doesn’t pull her punches and the day that story breaks

His standing in the district will be lower than a snake’s.”

Of course,” Blue added “he might still resolve this situation.

One simple act of charity could save his reputation.

I’d planned to give the oranges remaining on me tree

To the good folk at our local frail aged care facility

So if our thief…….” He let the sentence dangle in the air.

We paid the seller for our fruit and left him standing there.

We rang the care home matron and explained our little ruse

And said, should anything transpire, could she please send us news

Then we cracked a beer to celebrate, but still, I must confess,

I had some niggling doubts about our prospects of success.

It wouldn’t take a genius to quickly realise,

That the story we’d been spinning him was all a pack of lies.

So I still felt quite uncertain when I called on Blue next day,

It seemed so very likely that our plan would go astray.

But as we drank our coffee a most welcome call came through

Blue switched it onto speaker phone so I could listen too.

Our caller was the matron, she was laughing as she spoke,

“I think,” she said, “we must have had a visit from your bloke.

While we were all asleep last night, some sneaky reprobate

Has dumped a load of oranges in boxes by our gate.

We didn’t see who left them, but we know it’s thanks to you.

And the residents will love them, and will want to thank you too.”

Old Blue gave me a thumbs-up sign and grinned from ear to ear.

That news, he told the matron, was the best he’d heard all year.

“No need for any thanks”, he said, “Me faith has been restored.

I’ve always said that honesty should be its own reward.”

[icyfroth]

---

@the_great_she_elephant wrote:

Today's episode comes courtesy of Tippytoes. It's not one of my best, but, hey, they can't all be mastepieces.

Old Blue And The Orange Thief

Blue’s orange tree produced a really bumper crop last year,

And the old bloke shared that bounty with his neighbours far and near.

He invited them to come and pick the fruit from off the tree,

With a notice on his gate that read “Just help yourself – they’re free”.

The news soon got around and people came from everywhere.

But nobody was greedy or took more than their fair share.

Until, one rainy afternoon, with no-one there to see,

Some **bleep** seized his chance and he completely stripped the tree.

Old Blue was incandescent. “If I catch that sod” he said

I’ll make him think the wrath of God has fallen on his head.

“Softly, softly, Blue .”I said. “We’ll nail the little rat,

But remember, Mate there’s more than just one way to skin a cat.”

I doubt your little orange thief, has planned to eat them all,

I reckon that the greedy sod will try to sell his haul.”

We checked the Facebook market page and Gumtree ads as well,

And sure enough we found a bloke with oranges to sell.

Rather than rush over there to threaten and to shout

We decided to use strategy to catch the bugger out.

We pretended to be buyers and called round very night,

And as we chatted, casual like, Blue told him of his plight,

The bloke tried to sound shocked, but he was faking, it was clear,

“I’ll fix him though.” said Blue, “because my good mate here

Is an agricultural scientist, with the CSIRO,

And his expertise is goin’ to nail the thievin so and so.

We’ve bought some fruit from every seller hereabouts, you see,

And his tests will show me which of ‘em were stolen off me tree.”

The seller gulped uneasily; he said “Good thinking mate,

But I don’t believe that’s going to convince a magistrate.

Your notice didn’t stipulate ‘fair shares’ of any sort,

It simply said ‘Just help yourself’ - he’ll throw it out of court.”

“Well, now, aren’t you the clever one?” admiringly said Blue

“But I never mentioned notices. I wonder how you knew”

You should have seen that bloke’s face – it had dawned on him doubt

That he’d overplayed his hand and his own words had caught him out.

“A lucky guess,” he mumbled “there’s a sign back down the road.”

But he didn’t sound convincing and his agitation showed,

“Of course,” said Blue, “A lucky guess. But don’t misunderstand,

It was not a legal form of retribution that I planned.

Me scientific mate here, well he has a close relation,

Who works as a presenter on our local TV station.

She’s very happy to expose the **bleep**’s little game,

So once we have the proof, she’ll do a public ‘name and shame.”

She doesn’t pull her punches and the day that story breaks

His standing in the district will be lower than a snake’s.”

Of course,” Blue added “he might still resolve this situation.

One simple act of charity could save his reputation.

I’d planned to give the oranges remaining on me tree

To the good folk at our local frail aged care facility

So if our thief…….” He let the sentence dangle in the air.

We paid the seller for our fruit and left him standing there.

We rang the care home matron and explained our little ruse

And said, should anything transpire, could she please send us news

Then we cracked a beer to celebrate, but still, I must confess,

I had some niggling doubts about our prospects of success.

It wouldn’t take a genius to quickly realise,

That the story we’d been spinning him was all a pack of lies.

So I still felt quite uncertain when I called on Blue next day,

It seemed so very likely that our plan would go astray.

But as we drank our coffee a most welcome call came through

Blue switched it onto speaker phone so I could listen too.

Our caller was the matron, she was laughing as she spoke,

“I think,” she said, “we must have had a visit from your bloke.

While we were all asleep last night, some sneaky reprobate

Has dumped a load of oranges in boxes by our gate.

We didn’t see who left them, but we know it’s thanks to you.

And the residents will love them, and will want to thank you too.”

Old Blue gave me a thumbs-up sign and grinned from ear to ear.

That news, he told the matron, was the best he’d heard all year.

“No need for any thanks”, he said, “Me faith has been restored.

I’ve always said that honesty should be its own reward.”

---

At least you're making good use of your time in "lockdown"

[the_great_she_elephant]

As requested by Twyngwyn. I hope I've done the old bloke justice. 

               Old Blue On Anzac Day.

Me old mate Blue’s a veteran – a sacrificial lamb -

He won the ‘Birthday Lottery’ and went to Vietnam’

He doesn’t talk about it much – too painful still I fear.

He lost a few good mates there, but he honours them each year.

Every twenty fifth of April, Blue puts on his Sunday best,

Rubs up his service medals and displays them on his chest.

Then acknowledging his duty and respect that must be paid,

He salutes his fallen comrades in the Anzac Day parade.

This year, alas, there’ll be no march. We’re all in isolation,

Commemorations have been cancelled right across the nation.

And the first thing that occurred to me when this sad news came through

Was the devastating impact it would have on poor old Blue.

I called on him at once. But when he met me at the door,

“It’s OK, mate,” he said, “I should have let you know before.

I was really feeling down but now I think I’ve found a way

To do the right thing by me mates this coming Anzac Day.

I’ve spoken to a bloke I know who’s in the RSL

And he reckons I can manage it, though only time will tell,

He’s explained the fundamentals and he’s coached me on the phone,

But the rest of it is up to me - all on me Pat Malone.

I’ll be like that lizard drinkin' for the coming week or two -

Flat out with all me practisin’ to see this project through;

And I don’t want to offend you, mate, but really there’s no way,

I’ll have time for any visitors till after Anzac Day.

Concerned and rather puzzled, I walked back towards my car.

The way Old Blue was acting: it was really quite bizarre.

I was wondering if I should return and do some serious talking,

When my eardrums were assaulted by a sudden dreadful squawking.

It sounded like a rusty gate or, even worse than that,

As if someone in Old Blue’s house was strangling a cat;

And all at once I understood without a shred of doubt,

Exactly what this masterplan of his was all about.

I left him to his practise as I’d promised him I would,

I didn’t even call him – though I wished like hell I could.

But I sat at home and worried as the days went slowly by;

Old Blue had set his heart on this. I knew how hard he’d try,

But how would the poor b*gger feel if in the end he failed?

And then, triumphantly he rang. Persistence had prevailed!

” I’ve nailed it, mate,” he boasted “It was tough, but never fear,

Old Blue will do his duty by his fallen mates this year”

So if, you’re out this Anzac Day around the crack of dawn,

And you see a shadowy figure standing on Old Bluey’s lawn,

And you think you hear a bugle and that bugle’s plaintive note,

Brings tears into your eyes and a big lump into your throat.

And you feel a sad and solemn kind of presence in the air.

That makes you want to bow your head and offer up prayer.

It won’t be a dream you’re having, nor some lonely Anzac ghost.

But Blue, remembering his dead and sounding the last post.

[tasfleur]

"So if, you’re out this Anzac Day around the crack of dawn,

And you see a shadowy figure standing on Old Bluey’s lawn,

And you think you hear a bugle and that bugle’s plaintive note,

Brings tears into your eyes and a big lump into your throat.

And you feel a sad and solemn kind of presence in the air.

That makes you want to bow your head and offer up prayer.

It won’t be a dream you’re having, nor some lonely Anzac ghost.

But Blue, remembering his dead and sounding the last post"

Thank you to The Great She Elephant ... it's poignant and perfect xx

[the_great_she_elephant]

Thank you Tas, that's made my day.   I was so anxious not to let the old bloke down 

[tasfleur]

I've never seen you let anyone down in all the time I have been on this forum TGSE  xx

[the_great_she_elephant]

             Old Blue Adds To His Menagerie

The one thing that I’ve learnt in all my dealings with Old Blue,

Is despite his tough appearance he’s a softie through and through.

He’s a sucker for the wiles of every creature great and small,

Except of course for rabbits – oh, and mice, as I recall.

Though if Feather Duster wasn’t there, I’d happily take bets.

You might even find a mouse or two among his household pets.

One morning I had taken him to town to do some shopping.

We were heading back to his place and we hadn’t planned on stopping

But just before we got there, on the road beside the lake,

A projectile flew towards us and although I hit the brake

It smacked into the windscreen with a heavy sounding ‘thwuck’

And when I stopped the car, I saw at once we’d hit a duck.

It lay upon its back, its little feet up in the air,

And its body limp and lifeless; there were feathers everywhere.

It was clearly going nowhere. If you’d asked me I’d have said

I’d never seen a duck that looked more pitifully dead.

I felt a twinge of conscience, but I stifled it in haste.

An opportunity like this was far too good to waste.

“Well Blue,” I said, “It looks to me as if we’re on a winner.

That bird is gong to make us both a very tasty dinner.”

I’ll have to leave you with it, ‘cause, I’ve stuff back home to do.

I’ll be back to pluck and dress it though as soon as I am through.”

I nipped back home to finish off the jobs I’d left behind

And returned as quickly as I could with roast duck on my mind

Imagine then my shock when I walked through the kitchen door.

Our meal had done a Lazarus. It sat there on the floor

With a look of rather groggy indignation in its eyes,

While Blue just stood and stared at it in stupified surprise,

And poor old Feather Duster, backed right up against the wall,

Was telling us she didn’t think too much of this at all.

Old Blue looked up and noticed me. He slowly shook his head.

“I cant explain it, mate. It’s like a miracle” he said

“I’d left it on the benchtop while I made a cup of tea

When I thought its eyelids flickered; and it seemed to look at me.

It couldn’t move a muscle, it was strugglin’ for breath,

In a last pathetic effort to escape the jaws of death.

Now, I know you’re goin to tell me I’m a sentimental fool,

And I should have just dispatched it, but that seemed to me too cruel.

It was fighting just so bloody hard to cling onto its life

And the desperation in its eyes cut through me like a knife,

So although I knew me efforts would most likely be in vain,

I tried some CPR - and it came back to life again.”

And now I’ve resurrected  it, It thinks that I'm its friend,

And I’m sure that Feather Duster will accept it in the end

So I reckon that I’ll keep it, it’ll prove more than a match

For the snails and creepy crawlies that attack me veggie patch.

I’ll leave it in me garden and we’ll see how things work out,

But I’ll have to lock it in at night – that fox is still about.

I thought of Feather Duster and the fox Blue tried to tame

And a little voice inside my head said “here we go again,”

The duck by now looked very smug – as if, it seemed to me,

It guessed that it had landed in the lap of luxury.

I fixed it with a steely glare; the b*gger glared right back;

I’m pretty sure it winked at me, but all it said was, “quack”

Now it lives in Bluey’s garden, where it eats the odd stray snail,

Plus the special food he gives it every morning without fail.

It sleeps down in his chook yard and the chooks don’t seem to mind -

Though I doubt they were consulted, so perhaps they’re just resigned.

And Feather Duster, sensibly, keeps well out of its way.

So it seems the bloody creature’s well and truly here to stay.

[the_great_she_elephant]

Old Blue's taking a well-earned  rest today, so I've penned this instead.

The Ballad Of Covid-19

When Covid-19 first appeared in the West,

It left all the citizens very depressed.

They’d dealt with the flu and had lurgies galore,

But they’d never seen anything like this before.

“I’m silent and sneaky, I’m cunning and mean.”

And I’m coming to get you” said Covid-19

It came in by boat and it came in by plane,

With stealth it embarked on its evil campaign,

And the sandgropers watched it, dismayed and perplexed,

Wondering who it would carry off next.

“I’m silent and sneaky, I’m cunning and mean.”

And I’ve only just started” said Covid-19

But Premier McGowan went on the attack,

And explained to us daily just how to fight back

With medical experts to help spread the word,

And Auslan interpreters to flip it the bird.

“So what if it’s silent and sneaky and mean

We will not be beaten by Covid-19.”

He didn’t hold back he pulled out all the stops,

He shut down the pubs and he closed all the shops.

And finally issued the strictest of orders,

To close down both state and new regional borders.

We’re more cut off now than we ever have been

But we’re closing our borders to Covid-19

We’ve all been instructed to stay safe at home,

And woe betide those who unauthorised roam,

Or gather in numbers that flout the decree

We’re starving the virus of victims, you see.

So there’s hardly a soul on the streets to be seen,’

We’ve gone into hiding from Covid-19

And it seems to be working, we’ve all held our nerve,

And it looks like we’ve finally flattened the curve.

The balance of power has significantly shifted

So all those restrictions can slowly be lifted.

And now they are testing a brand new vaccine,

We’re coming to get you old Covid-19.

[the_great_she_elephant]

        Old Blue: The Back Story.

Today I am penning a verbal portrait

Of my slightly eccentric but lovable mate.

His exploits will all be familiar to you,

So you’ll know I’m referring, of course, to Old Blue.

Old Bluey has led quite a colourful life.

Though he’s not married now, he did once have a wife;

And the reason they parted seems obvious to me,

He just wasn’t marriage material, you see.

He’d been caught up in what he now calls ‘the great scam’,

That had got him conscripted and sent to Vietnam,

And the things that he’d seen there had shaken his mettle

And left him disturbed and unable to settle

He tried his hand shearing and driving a truck

And even prospecting – without any luck.

He’d come home in between for a few weeks or so,

Till his demons reclaimed him and off he would go.

And a wife soon grows weary, it has to be said,

Of sleeping alone in the marital bed.

And raising a daughter and keeping a home

While her husband is off chasing ghosts on his own.

They parted without too much rancour it seems,

But it left him alone with his ghost-haunted dreams,

And he drifted through life, from one job to another,

A TAB slip in one hand, a beer in the other.

It might have destroyed him, but old army mates

Stepped in to extract him from these dire straits,

They told him they’d all faced their own private hell,

And the help that they’d sought could assist him as well.

Old Blue was outraged, “No head shrinker” he said

Is going to go poking around in my head.

If that’s your advice you should bloody well quit,

This counselling lark, is a pile of old squit.”

But his mates, unrepentant, held out and held fast

They continued to plead and cajole, till at last

When he realised their nagging was not going to cease,

He agreed to see somebody, just for some peace.

He admits now his counsellor’s ‘not a bad bloke,’

Though he’s finding the sessions a bit of a joke.

(Well, that’s what he says, but if I’m guessing right

He’s too proud to admit that his friends got it right.)

For the counselling’s pulled him right back from the brink,

Of a mindless existence of drifting and drink.

He hasn’t gone walkabout for several years

And his drinking’s confined to a few social beers.

(And he’s learnt from his recent experimentation

It’s not a good option for self-medication)

So it looks like our Blue has at last settled down,

He’s bought a small property not far from town

Where he lives with his chooks and a tortoiseshell cat,

That he calls Feather Duster – but of course you knew that.

[the_great_she_elephant]

                    Hiatus

I’ve reached a hiatus, as, sadly to tell,

I’ve still got ideas, but they simply won’t ‘gel’

And I’m fond of Old Blue, so there’d be nothing worse,

Than cheapening him with indifferent verse.

So I’m taking a break; but dispel your concerns,

It’s only until inspiration returns.

P.S. I have just had Old Blue on the phone,

And he’s asked me to pass on these words of his own;

"Stay safe and stay happy, hooroo and good luck,

From Blue, Feather Duster, the chooks and the duck."